Open letter to LKH regarding Hit List

Disclaimer: This is not exactly spoiler-y since there’s not, like, a plot to spoil, but there are some details of Hit List ranted about below that you may want to avoid if you haven’t read it and are planning on it; though god help you if you honestly care that much.

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Dear Laurel K Hamilton,

I’m not a fan. Let’s be honest. While the following is a fact that I’m extremely pained to admit – a pain, like, you have no idea, fucking tears my soul asunder -- I have read every single one of the books in your Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series. I just finished your most recent installment, Hit List. I need to assure you that I have never paid for one of your books. I cannot bear the thought that any of my hard earned dollars would be filling your coffers, and possibly contributing to your false assumption that there is one more person in the world that wants you to continue to do what it is that you do …  which summarily is reduced to poisoning the universe with the shittiest characters every fucking dreamed of by man or beast.

Back to Hit List. The book took me about four hours to read, cover to cover. Its brevity was undoubtedly the best thing about it. Said brevity, however, had mild surface value at best, as you have somehow managed to work some kind of black magic on the space/time continuum, insofar as that four hours was hands down the longest fucking stretch of time I have ever and possibly will ever experience. Great cities fell in that four hours. I saw the face of Lovecraftian madness and the world was fucking consumed by tentacled Old Ones in that four hours. Your book made me age, Laurel K Hamilton.

The title, first of all – what the fuck? At this point I’m longing for the times when each book was dumbly named after a location of indeterminable import in the story. It was fucking lame, but at least it made sense. There was no hit list in this book. Like, not even a haphazard one. I can see, sort of, where you maybe named the book before you wrote it. That seems very You. I mean, things are murdered? Sort of? But things are fucking murdered in all of your books, so I feel like that’s hardly a plot point relevant enough to use as the title.

And who, seriously, was asking for more of Olaf? HE IS A TERRIBLE CHARACTER. And every time you talk about him, why do you feel the need to spend THIRTY FUCKING PAGES vomiting the same shit over and over again about how he’s a serial killer and how Blake is his victim type (because Blake is everyone’s type in some way or another, amirite?) and HOMIGOD SOMEDAY HE MUST DIE? You are clearly never going to fucking kill him off, because you never fucking kill ANYONE off. You just keep inventing more and more characters whose sole purpose is to be obsessed with Anita Blake, and no one she “cares” about in return ever . fucking . dies; despite the fact that there is laughable, hyperbolic, ridiculous violence and death basically every goddamn day of these people’s miserable fucking lives.

AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THIS BOOK, ULTIMATELY? The Harlequin! Are killing clanless weretigers! That is the premise. But at some point, YOU FORGOT TO FUCKING EXPLAIN THE PREMISE. The Harlequin work for Marmee Noir, so I’m guessing this is her bag. Her goal, you know, overall, is to inhabit Blake’s body so she can, whatever, fucking rule the world with her magical vagina – I couldn’t/can’t ever actually justify, in my head, why the MOTHER OF ALL DARKNESS would give two fucks about Blake, despite how illogically amazing she is, like, who could POSSIBLY trump what is explained to me as The End All Be All of every scary fucking thing ever invented, but OK, you win, this is what happens, this omnipotent/omnipresent being is endlessly thwarted by a stupid bitch with guns and an effervescent hoohaa.

Anyway, her goal as mentioned is to take over Blake’s body. How, exactly, is sending The Harlequin out to kill clanless weretigers all crazy style like a logical conduit to that end? It’s a lure? Apparently? Is what you’re telling me? That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard. I reiterate: mother of all darkness! Should not need a VERY half-baked plan with absolutely no relevance to her goal to lure Anita Blake to fucking Tacoma, Washington (and WHY THE FUCK Washington?!) and UM WHOOPS it doesn’t work anyway, because of course it doesn’t work, because of course Blake wins every time, but usually you have the decency to at least give me a believable reason why whatever fight is happening is actually happening and not just 200 pages of “I AM ANITA AND I AM AMAZING AND COPS ARE ASSHOLES AND I AM AMAZING AND SEX WITH ME IS GREAT AND I AM AMAZING AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE HATE ME AND I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS THEY ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT ME”

So I guess congratulations are in order, because you have managed to keep me sufficiently full of blinding rage for an entire 20 books. Perhaps it is YOUR vagina that is magical (I’m assuming you write your books with your vagina.) Under other circumstances, I would also consider thanking you for giving me a book that is entirely free of Richard, but if given the choice between 200 pages of his existential angst and 200 pages of THE WORST DIALOGUE EVER* with angry misogynist cops (because there are no other kinds), I think I almost prefer Richard. I mean, the devil you know, right?

Can’t wait for the next installment. Honestly. I can’t wait to round up every copy in publication and throw them off a fucking bridge. No. No. Set fire to them, THEN throw them off a fucking bridge. I think it might now be my personal crusade to destroy all evidence that your terrible books every existed. And by crusade, I mean I’m not actually going to do anything because I’m pretty lazy, but I will fantasize the fuck out of a world that is free of Anita fucking Blake.

*No seriously, your dialogue sucks. It is physically painful to me to even skim through the 10 page conversations about nothing that always take place in parking lots. You’ve been doing this for a while. It’s time to take a course or get some kind of professional help in this area. There are books on the subject. Like, lots of them.

Burnt Offerings, AB:VH Book 7

Did you get your copy of Hit List yet? Are you ecstatic? I haven’t gotten a copy because I am vehemently opposed to giving LKH my money. But here’s a refresher for the heinous shit that precedes it, just in case you’ve forgotten (really though, how could you?).

As ever, we begin with Anita in her office, being offered a job that has nothing to do with her status as a necromancer or even really as a “monster expert” (do you hate that phrase? I fucking hate that phrase). The St. Louis FD thinks there is a pyrokinetic person setting fires in the city and want them stopped before someone dies. Anita is not actually an expert with psychic gifts, but they think she can help anyway. (We won’t come back to this until the mystery is miraculously resolved with a 2-paragraph sequence in the last 3% of the book. Did I ruin the suspense? Sorry.)

Richard is all sad-face and is ignoring his responsibilities as Alpha of his pack because Anita thinks he’s gross. Some stuff happens that doesn’t matter resulting with Anita becoming responsible for some of Richard’s werewolves and Gabriel’s wereleopards (Gabriel was in the last couple of books, he was a total shit, now he’s dead). Anita tells the wolves and the leopards that she is going to protect them because she’s awesome and also, she has a big gun.

Whilst out on a date, Anita and Jean-Claude find out that the Vampire Council is in town and that they are pissed because they think Jean-Claude is trying to set up a rival faction in the U.S. Also, that Jean-Claude killed Mr. Oliver and has not taken his place as a member of the Council. The VC takes over the Circus of the Damned and hold Jean-Claude’s vampires and wolves hostage.

Let’s meet the Vampire Council:

The Traveler: He can use another vampire’s body like a puppet

Padma, known as the Master of Beasts: He can control another vampire’s animal to call

Fernando: Padma’s son; he is seriously a sociopath, likes to rape women (he is not actually part of the Council)

Morte D’Amour: He can make his body appear to decompose; couldn’t be buggered to come in person and is represented by

Yvette: She can also make her body rot and

Warrick: He is a trained warrior (who can walk in the daylight, but this is kept sooper sekret from all of the other vampires)

Belle Morte: She can make lust overwhelm you (pay attention, that bit is basically the premise for every book after #9); also couldn’t be buggered to come and is represented by

Asher: He doesn’t reveal any special powers yet. He used to be pretty but got scarred with holy water by some priests during the Inquisition. Jean-Claude was once part of a threesome with Asher and his human servant but Asher, thinking Jean-Claude betrayed them, is looking for revenge.

(There are a couple more high-muckety-mucks, but since they don’t make an appearance in his book, we’ll leave them out, shall we?)

Do you care about any of that? No? Excellent, moving on.

Anita beats her chest at the VC, the Traveler decides he likes her, Padma and Yvette decide they hate her, and Asher wants her but still hates Jean-Claude. Fernando rapes one of Richard’s pack and Anita promises revenge (there is a lot of rape in this particular book, I don’t mean to sound callous about it). Blah, blah, blah, end scene.

There is an aside where Anita uses the power of the wolf pack to channel Raina (thought she was gone, did you? Oh, no, she makes several appearances in the following books, despite having been cannibalized by her pack) to heal Nathaniel (one of the wereleopards, get used to hearing about him) even though she is in no way, shape or form a shifter (get used to that too). Also, there is an awful lot of Richard angsting at Anita about not being able to love him and Anita angsting at herself about the same. I am already tired of this particular storyline and it’s only come into play during this book.

The presence of the Council in STL makes the lesser vampires in the city lose their shit, Anita has to go clean up the mess, and she has Jean-Claude make a bargain to let the vampires and shifters being held hostage at Circus of the Damned free. Anita and Jean-Claude take Richard with them when they go to free the hostages, there is a big show-down, Padma lets Anita kill Fernando in exchange for his own life, Yvette reveals that Morte D’Amour wants the vampires to return to the old ways (i.e. no more legal citizenship) and has been egging Warrick into setting fires (with his brain! Mystery solved!) to scare humans into revoking the legal protections that U.S. vampires now have. Warrick sees the error of his ways and kills Yvette and himself in a final (literal) blaze of glory. Asher joins up with Anita and Jean-Claude (because Anita thinks he’s pretty despite his scars) and we are treated to a soliloquy wherein Anita yaks about trying to be friendly with Richard, learning how to control her new powers (she has discovered at least two), fucking Jean-Claude in a bathtub (again!) and gaining some new insight about herself (that she won’t ever actually put to use). The End!

You’re welcome.

If you want recaps of the previous books see here:

Guilty Pleasures, The Laughing Corpse, Circus of the Damned, The Lunatic Café, Bloody Bones, and The Killing Dance

Burnt Offerings, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 7

The Killing Dance [AB:VH Book 6]

I feel like I start out all of these with “no, really, it gets worse” or “this is the beginning of the end” but … seriously, this one is the absolute last of the Hurtling Rapidly Towards The Cliff part of the series. We’re encroaching on Lock Up Your Daughters Along With Your Will To Live territory. With all speed.

I’m sure that didn’t make any sense, but get used to it! Because nothing will going forward. No. Nothing.

The book kicks off with … wait for it … some fucking dude (in case you hadn’t gathered, they all start out with ‘some fucking dude’). Only this dude is not interested in Anita’s zombie raising services, as he too has read the past five books and realizes that mostly that entire premise has been abandoned like a dumpster baby outside of a Paris, Texas senior dance. So, some dude and some dude’s minion talk to Blake about, whatever, finding a cure for vampire cancer or something, and she’s all “Yes, I will help you, because this fucking books needs SOME kind of plot point other than my angsty bullshit relationships and magical vagina”  Rest assured, Some Fucking Dude AND his minion both have stupid names. You don’t even need to know them, because they will both be dead and forgotten by the end of the book, and grossly neglected during the middle bits.

At some point after some other random and inconsequential shit involving vampire pregnancies, Robocop calls Blake to tell her that someone tried to hire him to assassinate her for $500K, which I feel is a reasonable sum of fictional money to end the most repugnant fictional character ever created. But what do I know. Robocop may be immune to the magic of the vagina, but is not immune to the general infatuation of love/euphoria surrounding Blake, so of course he does not take the contract. Stupid Robocop. Naturally this plot point develops immediately, and Blake has a gun fight maybe 30 seconds later with a hitman who clearly sucks at his job.

Then, like, werewolf stuff happens. I don’t know. Whenever I have to try and explain the werewolves, my eyes glaze over. There’s so fucking many of them, and they’re all obnoxious. Richard is still struggling to be SuperWolf of the pack, there are still sadistic and murderous werewolves who continue to do sadistic and murderous things, and it’s all rife with drama and horror. Someone's brother gets raped or tortured or both on camera, because the Evilwolves (E-wolves? Were-vils?) think  wereanimal snuff porn is a lucrative industry (which seems like it's probably a fair assessment) and Blake is all THIS IS WRONG, I WILL TALK ABOUT MY GUNS AT IT. Or, shake her vagina at it, or whatever the fuck she does.

Actually, I just saw this on the Wiki page for this book (if you seriously thought I was re-reading it for the purpose of this recap, you clearly don't know me at all), and it fucking killed me in its perfect simplicity:

The Killing Dance is also a turning point for the series in several other ways:

•  Anita has accepted being Jean-Claude's "declared human servant" at the beginning of the book.
•  Anita and Richard form a vampire triumvirate with Jean Claude, accepting the first three "marks". In addition, Jean Claude and Richard announce that they are allies within the supernatural community. Taken together, these changes make it impossible for Anita to completely separate her life from Jean Claude or Richard.
•  Anita kills the werewolf lupa Raina and the wereleopard leader  Gabriel in self-defense, resolving some unsettled conflicts from The Lunatic Cafe.
•  Richard becomes the Ulfric, or leader, of his pack.
•  Anita and Jean-Claude become lovers.
•  Richard eats Marcus

Um, YES. All of that happens. It is the last bit, the eating of Marcus, that really eeks Anita out and sends her into the undead arms of JC, and they fuck like bunnies in a bathtub* which surprisingly is the first appearance of actual fucking in the series. I hope you enjoy it, because that is all you will have for next thirteen books. That's right. Thirteen ** books about supernatural fucking. You read it here.

To clarify (...ahahahaha), Raina & Gabriel are the evil sadists who rape/torture/maim/kill for giggles, so of course Anita had to righteously gun them down. But of course you have not heard the last of Raina, who decides to, like, live forever in Anita's head or something, because Anita is MAGICAL IN CASE YOU HADN'T GOTTEN THAT YET, OK.

Oh also, this is where Richard decides he hates everything and everyone, including himself, and is all SUPER ANGST. I mean, he was definitely angsty before, but now you kind of just want to punch the closest living thing every time someone even mentions his name.

I'm sorry. This is the best I can do.

If you care, like, really give a shit about this book, the Wiki is very informative and written straight-forwardly. Please. Be my guest.

* fuck like bunnies while in a bathtub, not fuck like bunnies who are in a bathtub

** there is one, somewhere in the middle, that eschews the fucking in favor of ripping off Queen Of The Damned, which ... OK

Bloody Bones (AB:VH, Book 5)

Bloody Bones opens with Anita being offered a job that only she can do (Anita is SPECIAL! She is like Magic but with guns and a bad attitude!!). Because Anita is magic, she can probably do this job, is probably the only person who can do anything, ever, in the history of everything. Specifically, she has to raise an entire graveyard worth of zombies to settle a land dispute for some property developers.

Anita takes the job and flies out to Branson, MI (fun fact: Anita is terrified of flying. She’s just like everybody else! She is afraid of things that don’t have too many teeth or turn furry by moonlight!). Before she goes, she takes a side trip to see Richard the Werewolf (where is he is currently teaching a class) to reschedule their date because apparently, a phone call wouldn’t do the trick (note: Richard is olive skinned, not permanently tanned as Anita is fond of saying. Really, it’s okay to say he’s swarthy). She brings Larry, her assistant-zombie-raiser/vampire-hunter-in-training with her to Branson.

When she gets to Branson, she meets the property developer, Raymond Stirling, who is a douche-bag. He impresses upon her how important it is that she raise the corpses and say that they aren’t Bouviers. Anita demurs because she is honest in all things and won’t lie for him if they are Bouviers. While she is inspecting the graveyard, she gets a call from Dolph, who in his usual gruff manner, tells her that she needs to go investigate a crime scene sort-of nearby that may or may not be supernatural. Off she goes with Larry to inspect the 3 young victims, decides that they may or may not have been killed by a something with a very large sword, makes nice with the commanding officer (by nice I mean annoys the crap out of), and goes to dinner at Bloody Bones. Bloody Bones is a restaurant owned by Magnus and Dorcas Bouvier. The Bouviers are part fey (like fairies but with less glitter and more sex).

While Anita is questioning Magnus about whatever, she gets another call from Dolph about another victim, and off she goes again. The victim is/was an underage girl who is now going to be a vampire in 3 days, her parents say “no, stake her now, she is damned because JESUS”, Anita says “WAIT”, some cops show up, they go look for the vampire, get attacked by some other vampires, several people die, a kid gets kidnapped, Anita calls Jean-Luc for help, and then goes back to the original graveyard to help Stirling. Anita does some corpse magic with Larry, things get SPOOKY, Magnus shows up, tells her it is VERY IMPORTANT that she not raise the corpses, and flits away.

Anita and Larry go to their hotel where they find Jean-Claude and Jason (he’s a werewolf, also wants to bone Anita, who doesn’t? ME) waiting for them. Blah, blah, blah, Dorcas shows up looking for Magnus, explains why everyone is so hot in the pants for the land (big, bad fairy named Rawhead and Bloody Bones, kills people with a sword, is imprisoned at the graveyard). Turns out that Magnus has secretly been drinking BB’s blood to level-up his magic and as a result, BB can manifest and is responsible for killing the original 3 victims and probably some other people. And then Jean-Claude brokers a deal with vampire Serephina (MotC of Branson) to get the kidnapped kid back. But, treachery! Serephina has been colluding with EVERYBODY. She dealt with BB to level-up, her and BB dealt with Stirling to get the land available and let BB free, she’s been harboring a pedophile vampire who is responsible for the kidnapping AND some other pretty grody stuff.

Anyway, Jean-Claude gets his ass whipped by one of Serephina’s minions, Anita feeds Jean-Claude blood to make him all better, there is a whole lot of double-crossing, BB is killed, Anita trades herself as a hostage for everyone else (isn’t she just a peach?), Serephina mind-fucks Anita, Magnus dies, Anita call the cops, Serephina mind-fucks Anita AGAIN, the cops kill all the extra-bad vamps, and Anita decides that Jean-Claude isn’t such a bad guy after all, The End. THANK GOD.

All of this has happened over a 24-hour period, our Anita is very efficient. Also, Anita FINALLY succumbs to Jean-Claude’s wiles. They don’t actually fuck, but there is some heavy petting. Plus, she can now control vampires with necromancy. So yeah, Anita gets more and more magical because that’s what she does. Have a problem? Don’t worry, Anita can fix it because not only does she have an irresistible vagina, she will somehow manifest a new ability to overcome whatever ails you. Next book she reverses global warming (with her vagina), engineers a sustainable, renewable energy source (probably with her vagina), ends all wars (again, probably with her vagina) and makes pies from scratch (hopefully not with her vagina).

Sound terrible? It is, but just you wait. Laurell K. Hamilton manages to completely redefine the word terrible. It’s a working definition because we still have 16 books to go, but she does it. I tell you, it is IMPRESSIVE.

Bloody Bones, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 5 by Laurell K. Hamilton

The Lunatic Cafe (AB:VH Book 4)

I hope the fact that it took me over a month to write this is indicative of how little I want to write this. Honestly, I would have done it sooner, but, like, I have a life, a busy one, and it’s hard to write about shitty books when you spend most of your time juggling forty thousand spreadsheets and being elbows deep in forcemeat.* And as shitty books go, HOOBOY, this one is a doozy. I’m going to preemptively apologize for the amount of parenthetical comments I will be making. I cannae help myself, captain. I simply cannae.

On to it, then!

Upon reflection, this book is where the cast of characters begins to get absolutely ridic. Note the use of of “begins” – because it gets worse. Like, stick-my-fucking-tongue-on-the-business-end-of-a-9-volt worse. We are introduced to – count ‘em – seven reoccurring characters in this book. That’s reoccurring! That is NOT counting the periphery, characters who are introduced and then die by the end, or the already-established characters (twelve, at this point, yes, twelve). So, by the end of book FOUR OF TWENTY, there are already NINE-FUCKING-TEEN characters you mostly need to keep track of. I don’t even know how many altogether. More. A lot more. I mean, seriously? Why is that big a cast necessary, when at the end of the day, all of them are reduced to barely sentient beings who’s only real thoughts involve “I love Anita,” “I hate Anita,” “I want to have sex with Anita,” or any combination thereof. LKH’s characters are like Ikea furniture: cheap, barely functional, generically pretty, and named something stupid.

Anyway. We kick off like we do with most of her books; introduced to some dude who wants Anita to do something – professional or other, who cares. Only this dude doesn’t want zombies raised like, you know, she does -  he wants his missing werewolf wife found. There is no explanation for why this dude would go to Blake’s office with such a request at this point in the storyline, so I can only imagine it’s because her amazing magnetism is like a bug zapper for whackjobs. She’s all, fuck off, and sends him to her BFF Ronnie – let’s call her Filler, because that’s all she is, ever – who is a private dick (heh) and handles problems like missing werewolf wives (werewives?)

Later, Blake and blossoming boyfriend Richard (whom, you will be told half a million times, is HOT and ACTS LIKE A BIG BOYSCOUT and WEARS HIS HAIR BACK TO FOOL PEOPLE INTO THINKING IT’S SHORT because lord knows a ponytail is the ultimate mindfuck) take in a rousing performance of Guys And Dolls (um, really, LKH?). Richard is all “I love musicals and wear tight shirts but I’m seriously not gay,**” and Anita is all “OMG stop looking at the crowds like you’re high and they’re Funions” and at some point Jean-Claude (JC!) shows up and says JC-type stuff in Frenglish about Richard being an alpha wolf *** who needs to stop being all meh and start fighting for control of the local wolfpack, or … I don’t fucking know, the scene is so haphazardly written that it’s difficult to relay anything.

At some point during that hot mess, and following the patented LKH formula, DOLPH calls Blake and is all “I have called 20% into the novel as required with a request for you to come to this grisly crime scene and check out some shit, and I will not say goodbye before I hang up” – so she jettisons off to go wade in gore. En route, some crazy vampire bitch kicks Blake’s ass for no actual reason other than adding another unnecessary character into the fray for the later books (where she remains as useless), but I’d rather not spend any more time on that bullshit than I just did.

Crime scene, dead things, 20 pages of Blake asserting herself as a powerful woman who will persevere despite the fact that all men hate strong woman and all cops hate women in general and blah blah. Dead thing. Killed by shapeshifter. Homigod.

And because this day (yes, day, this is one day) apparently has 94 hours ****, Blake goes home and runs into a sniveling reporter werewolf (whom in my head is the nerdy pharmacist from Family Guy) that Richard The Boyfriend was all throwing down with the leader werewolf, but because of his inherent boyscout nature (see) wouldn’t kill him and now shit is hitting the fan, or something, and leader werewolf is all GET ME ANITA BLAKE BECAUSE SHE IS SOMEHOW RELEVANT TO THIS.

You know what? I can’t finish this recap in this vein. Too much happens, and none of it is actually interesting. It’s all, like, foundation work for things that matter (as much as anything ever matters) later.

Here are some key points:

-          We meet the werewolf pack and its cast of MANY characters. We find out that many of them are completely fucked up in a BDSM-Goes-Ultra-And-Lands-In-A-Pile-Of-Snuff way, and many are not. Jason & Raina show up, who are kind of relevant later, in the patented LKH way of making someone relevant but still totally unnecessary.

-          We are continuously treated to Richard whining about how much his life sucks

-          Anita is still a prude and is not putting out.

-          Edward/Robocop kills stuff. And enjoys it.

-          There’s a fucking traitorous wereswan. That’s right. I said WERESWAN. As in, A DUDE WHO TURNS INTO A SWAN.

-          Blake decides that she will just have to start dating JC along with Richard, because JC threatened to kill Richard otherwise. Which? Really? This is the premise of your relationship? And you’re not spending every moment of your dates in sheer fucking terror? To say nothing of how agreeing to this ultimatum is essentially against every single character trait we have been made to believe to this point? What’s that you say, LKH? Oh! THAT’S HOW YOU ROLL.

Anyway, the story ends with some nasty jerk cops (see above, you know, the ones that hate women) who hired the wereswan to send them shapeshifters to hunt, and because the wereswan is a dick (wouldn’t you be?), he was all “sure” and proceeded to be the ringleader of some bizarre were-poaching ring. And all the REALLY bad guys die at the end and all the kind-of bad guys live to see another shitty book.

Ta da!

I’m not linking this trash. If you want it badly enough, you know how to search Amazon.

*I am taking EVERY opportunity to say “elbows deep in forcemeat”  - how do you NOT?

** "No seriously, wait til later when gay stuff happens and I turn into CRAZY BIGOT RAGE RICHARD"

*** My thoughts: if you can change into a wolf at will and kill things, it is implied you are about as alpha as you are ever going to get

**** Or it exists in a tardis, and is larger on the inside than it is on the outside (snare drum, and there, I just won a bet about not being able to knowledgably reference TV shows I don’t watch; in your face, pal)

Books without a point [Circus of the Damned, AB:VH, Book 3]

As usual, the story starts off with Anita at work, interviewing potential zombie-raising clients. (Look! Anita has a job doing stuff! This is a reminder that she is a regular person! Also serves to present a unifying theme!) This time, these clients don't want to raise a zombie, they want Anita to help them kill a vampire. Specifically, the Master of the City (they are not aware that this is Jean-Claude and Anita ever-so-politely declines to tell them). Dudes Jeremy and Karl are part of an anti-vampire group called Humans First that wants to kill all vampires despite the legal protections that vampires now enjoy. Anita tells the dudes to fuck off, she's not interested in helping. Mostly because their plan sucks.

Anita gets called to assist Dolph (his name is Randolf, why does no one call him Randolf? Oh, right, everyone in these books is quasi-German) with a murder investigation. Male victim with multiple vampire bites is found on someone's lawn. Anita identifies that the victim has been bitten by multiple vampires which rules out the possibility of him being turned. Anita doesn't believe that this murder is the work of Jean-Claude (him being such a nice guy and all) but goes to see him to find out if he has any information about the attack. At the Circus of the Damned (it really is a circus, if a circus could be said to smoke massive quantities of crack) she meets a couple of shifters, sees a giant snake, and has a confrontation with a psychotic lady-vampire. Then the giant snake goes berserk and eats a few people. Anita, Jean-Claude, various shifters, some Naked Dude, and Psycho Vampire fight the snake and kill it. Jean-Claude tells Anita that he does not know who killed the Murder Victim but would she please stop fighting against the vampire marks he placed on her against her will and also, get naked for some sexy vampire loving. Anita tells Jean-Claude to please STFU and proceeds to plan a date with Richard (previously known as Naked Dude). Then there is a pointless interlude with Edward "I love to kill things" Nolastname and one with Ronnie "I exist to fill page space" Sims.

Later, another Murder Victim (this time a lady) is found with multiple vampire bites. When Anita firsts shows up at the crime scene, this lady is merely dead. After a little while Anita notices that the lady is now dead AND pretty. She realizes that the first Murder Victim must by now be turning into a vampire. Because, apparently, a powerful enough vampire could turn someone even with bites from many vampires. Anita remembers reading this in an article, but neglected to mention it at the first crime scene (where she assured everyone that the victim was really really dead). There is another pointless interlude at the morgue where the NOW-NOT-DEAD dead man has been sent. There is much mayhem and carnage.

At Anita's behest, a new animator is hired by Animators, Inc. ( the zombie-raising firm Anita works for). New guy Larry is sent out by himself to do some zombie raising. Anita meets him at his 3rd job, where he has over-extended himself and proceeds to save his ass. She gives him a TOUGH-LOVE talk. As they are leaving the job site, Anita and Larry are attacked by Humans First. Then they are attacked by a group of vampires. Then they are saved by Karl(of Humans First). It turns out that the vampires who attacked are the rogue vampires who have been biting people a lot and the master of this group, Alejandro, wants to be Master of the City of St. Louis. He has placed the first vampire mark on Anita in an effort to weaken Jean-Claude's power. AND THEN it turns out that Karl is the human servant of Mr. Oliver who also wants to be MotC. And Mr. Oliver is a million years old. Literally. And he has a pet Snake-Lady who is also immortal. Mr. Oliver offers to free Anita of all of her vampire marks if she tells him who the current MotC is. She tells him she'll think about it.

Snake-Lady later comes to Anita and tells her Mr. Oliver wants to see her and gives her a ride to some cave in the middle of nowhere. Melanie (Snake-Lady's name, wtf) then tries to kill Anita. She gets bitten by one of Melanie's snake buddies but manages to escape and is picked up by Edward (just in case your brain has not yet turned to mush, this is merely another implausible coincidence in a series of implausible coincidences) in THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE. Now Anita nearly dies from the poison in her bite but is saved by Jean-Claude giving her yet another vampire mark. This makes Anita very angry and she tells Mr. Oliver who Jean-Claude is. Then she finds out that when Mr. Oliver takes over as MotC, he plans on a very public killing spree to force vampires back into hiding. So she calls Jean-Claude to tell him she has betrayed him. Jean-Claude tells her that Mr. Oliver has already challenged him to a duel. Then there is a giant fight at CotD. Alejandro (who is nominally working for Mr. Oliver) forces the last vampire marks on Anita. She uses her extra-special super-sort-of-vampire strength and rips Mr. Olivers spine out through his neck and also stakes Alejandro. Anita and Jean-Claude both survive the epic battle. And then Anita re-schedules her date with Richard. Oh, and Richard is a werewolf. A very sexy werewolf.

Here's something that annoys the piss out of me: each book reads like Anita is telling her story to herself but then WHAM, all of a sudden she's talking to the reader or asking the reader questions. This juxtaposition is both off-putting and obnoxious. But mostly it's obnoxious. Talk to the reader or talk to yourself. PICK ONE.

I have some advice for authors too: continuity is really important. Characters should not be described as having longish hair and then 10 pages later described as having short hair. Unless you have specifically mentioned them getting a haircut. Also, don't make a point of saying that people can be turned into shifters only by the violent attack of a shifter-in-animal-form and then say that they can also be turned by a bad vaccine. Hire an editor. Pointing out shit like that is their JOB. Continuity might not make your story GOOD, but it will make your story better. I PROMISE.

Here's a link. But please remember that I read this so that YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Save your money. Or better yet, use your money to buy me a present.

Circus of the Damned, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 3

Yes, yes, YES.

http://www.pommedesang.com/pdsbb/viewtopic.php?t=11456

I've only read halfway down the thread but I already agree with all of.

Back in school, and this quarter promises to be extra brutal, so the reading/writing will be fewer and farther between. Eeeep. Wish me luck!

The Laughing Corpse [AB:VH Book 2]

Fine. Let's get on with this.

I started re-reading this for the purposes of this review, and was admittedly pleased at how refreshing the earlier books are in their ... I don't know, potential? Like, the train hasn't slammed into the sedan yet, and Bobby Junior did not have his braces melt to the back of the seat in the flaming wreckage (a la Fight Club), but knowing that this horrible hot mess is coming makes the whole affair reek of a doomed kind of solace. And really, it's much too soon to even consider re-reading these books. So I'm cheating and using this summary as a guide, because they do all start to blend together in their awfulness.

There are a couple of different plot branches in this one that naturally end up all being interrelated and relevant by the end (get used to this formula, she uses it a lot.) And you'd think that since this is the second book in the series, we'd be out of the woods as far as obnoxious introductory stuff, but YOU WOULD BE WRONG. So just assume that as I'm going through this, we are spoken to frequently of her endless polo shirts, stuffed penguins, affinity for guns, and "witty repartee" - direct quote.

SO. We kick off with a Scary Rich Dude who wants to hire Blake to raise some super crazy old zombie (Remember? When she took a break from having sex with creatures and raised zombies from time to time?), which of course would require a human sacrifice and he's all 'I got this, yo' and she's all 'Fuck you, pal, you ain't killing no bitches on my watch.' and she, you know, storms out all indignant and he's all rageface.

While Scary Rich Dude is presumably off plotting all sorts of Scary Rich Dude things to persuade Blake to help, she gets called off by the fuzz to go look at some grisly crime scenes (and these grisly crime scenes are the driving forces of pretty much every book, so please enjoy the nuance of her descriptions of such this time, because you will soon want to drag a rake through your eyes every time she gets a beep [yes! beepers!] from DOLPH, the police ... guy ... who's name will always be in caps because it needs to be yelled in your head). Some sweet little family was all butchered, and we are treated to three pages of her talking about whether or not she will puke, what the implications of her puking would be, and what she is wearing that will either impact her puking or not. She gets all EXPERT at the scene and decides it's a flesh-eating zombie doing all this nasty damage, even though we have been told that zombies don't eat people on more than one occasion (get used to this as well - I'm sure it's written with the intent of being SHOCKING, but it feels more like waffling to me)

So she takes one her partners, who you feel is going to be relevant throughout the series but pretty much disappears after Book 4 (and in my head he is Don Sanchez from Assy McGee, but that's neither here nor there), goes to meet with a voodoo priestess who's all Looks Like Grandma, Acts Like The DEVIL and finds out some stuff, like it was probably her who set this murderous rampaging creature loose because that's what she does. For fun. And somehow Blake pisses her off and starts some vendetta. Because that's what SHE does. For fun.

Later we get introduced John Burke ... and I don't know why I'm telling you this, because he is another "totally will be relevant!" character, you think, but ... not so much. He is IN the later books, kind of, in an irrelevant way. BUT he's some big shot zombie raiser from New Orleans who was a suspect for maybe 30 seconds before that plot choked on its own bullshit and died. Moving on.

Later still, two Hell Grandma zombies break into Blake's apartment and try to eat her face, which we assume is retribution for offending her by standing in her basement and passing judgment on her soul zombies. Because I'm sure the most badass voodoo queen in like the whole fucking world is totally affected by what Anita Blake thinks of her. Sufffice to say, Blake kills the zombies and fucks up her penguins with zombie gore and we are treated to another three pages of the implications this mess will have on her lease, and how DOES one get blood out of a stuffed animal. Apparently you shouldn't use the bathtub. WHO KNEW.

We circle back to the original plot of Scary Rich Dude, and finally get to hang out with Jean-Claude some more and ... you know what? I can't even type "Jean-Claude" without cringing. He will heretofore be known as JC, like jesus, because he might as well be. Anyway, she needs a bodyguard (??) to go talk to a prostitute named WHEELCHAIR WANDA (that is her name, really) because she used to date Scary Rich Dude, who evidently has a hard-on for cripples, and will have information on how super sinister he is. JC is all, to Blake, YOU HAVE MY MARKS BE MY SEX SLAVE I AM WEARING VERY TIGHT PANTS and she's all "No" but she totally wants to do him like right there. Oh, and this is happening at ... wait for it ... The Laughing Corpse! Which is a comedy club! Owned by JC and operated by vampires! GET IT? Titular line! Clever, amirite?!

She finds out Scary Rich Dude wants to raise a dead family member for some kind of treasure, or something, as revenge, or something, and the details don't matter. Oh, and he is trying to kill Blake, too. Of course. Because no one in this universe can just accept a polite refusal of an offer without MURDEROUS RAGE.My chronology is fucked, but this also doesn't matter. At some point we learn that the flesh-eating zombie that is killing families is a relative of Scary Rich Dude, and was raised by Hell Grandma, who is working for Scary Rich Dude, but apparently fucked this up hardcore and now he's all YOU'RE FIRED, even though she's not (again, ??). The flesh-eater was, in life, a necromancer, which apparently pre-disposes you to kill families when you become a zombie? I guess? And Blake discovers all this on an epic flesh-eating zombie hunt at another crime scene, when she is struck by the brilliant idea that our flesh-eater hides ... in a fucking trash can. Not like, a dumpster. A trash can, that you put in front of your house for sanitation workers. Like, this was her A-HA moment. Because it's plausible, you guys!

Her and the fuzz kill the flesh-eater, and she goes to the hospital for whatever reason, zombie vaccines or something, and then gets abducted - along with Wheelchair Wanda - by Scary Rich Dude. Who is hanging out with Hell Grandma, because clearly he has not learned his lesson. He still needs his zombie raised god-fucking-damnit, and he will rape/maim/torture to get it. And he has provided Wheelchair Wanda as the human sacrifice needed to raise this zombie! How economical of him!

End scene has all the happy band of freaks in this cemetery, where Blake uses her amazing MacGyver skills to get her ass out of every impossible predicament and kills Scary Rich Dudes two bodyguard-goons instead of Wanda, which is OMG TWO SACRIFICES, and apparently that kind of craziness is enough to raise THE WHOLE CEMETERY and then she sets off her pack of now killer zombies (because you can do that, LKH forgot to mention before, when she was changing the rules again) and takes out Scary Rich Dude and Hell Grandma, who went down surprisingly easily considering she just spent the whole book making her as practically immortal with her badassness.

This whole scene is enough to make JC go "You are scary, bitch, but I still want to fuck you" and she is all "No, still" and OMG I AM TOTALLY A NECROMANCER TOO! This is the first instance of GUESS WHAT ELSE I AM, YOU GUYS that is prevalent throughout the series (honestly, by book 9, she's pretty much confessed to being everything amazing that ever existed as a means to explain unnecessary plot points). Oh, and she can technically be put to death by the law for killing people with "magic" regardless of whether or not it was in self-defense so let's not tell anyone about that whole Slaughter In The Cemetery thing.

If you have read this book, you are already tits deep in the fire, but you can still turn back! If you haven't ... oh, why am I bothering. Here is a link to buy it, but I recommend borrowing/pirating/stealing, because please don't give this woman any of your money.

http://www.amazon.com/Laughing-Corpse-Anita-Vampire-Hunter/dp/0425204669/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294377871&sr=8-1

Clearly, I must be a masochist [Guilty Pleasures, AB:VH, Book 1]

Just for background: Urban Fantasy is not my favorite genre. Give me some epic Fantasy and I’m a happy camper. Six or more books in your series? 800+ pages per book? Dragons, swords, and magic? I AM ALL OVER THIS. But I do like vampire stories. And I really like werewolf stories. And, sweet mother of Christ, do I love fairy stories. Or faerie, if you prefer.

When I read Guilty Pleasures for the first time, some of it troubled me but it didn’t make me want to eat my own face off. Everything was just interesting enough to continue reading the series. The writing wasn’t great, but a lot of that is just the headvoice. Anita Blake has all the scholarly learning and emotional complexity of a febrile guinea pig. I blew through 16 of what was 18 books in 4 weeks. By book 6, I was pissed. By book 12, I had permanent RAGE FACE. It’s impossible to think about each book individually now because I know what’s coming next. And it isn’t pretty.

At any rate, Anita, oh Anita Blake. I wish, really wish, that I liked you. You are all sorts of things that I like. Bad-ass lady? Check. Majorly independent? Check. Weirdly idiosyncratic? Check. Plus, you raise zombies. WHY DON’T I LOVE YOU? I should be all with a case of puppy dog love. But somehow, all of these things together conspire to make me utterly loathe you. The bad-assedness, and the independence, and the penguins!!! Christ, you are trying SO HARD to make me feel sympathetic towards you whilst pretending not to give two shits about my opinion.The thing is, I like the world you live in. Vampires are citizens? You can become a shifter because of a bad vaccine? Zombie raising is an acceptable business venture? This is awesome. And a lot of the reason I’ve read all nineteen books. But instead it’s all about YOU. Which fine, whatever, the goddamn series is called Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter. But it’s written in your own POV, which I hate. Because your head is not a good place to be. You say things like “naw” which makes me want to body-slam a cactus. You talk about your clothes. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU COLOR MATCHING THE SWOOSH ON YOUR NIKES TO YOUR T-SHIRT. Socks are socks, and nobody cares if the stripe on the side is “tasteful”. IT’S A FUCKING SOCK. You have lived in St. Louis, presumably, for your whole life. Why are a penguin t-shirt and running shorts the only clothes you have to camouflage your guns in the summer? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL. And then, the penguins. I think the penguins are supposed to make you relatable. Like “I’m a bad-ass with 30 guns and I’m covered in scars but look! I collect stuffed penguins! Aren’t I cute? Don’t you want to be my friend?” NO, Anita Blake, YOU ARE NOT CUTE. And I would rather be friends with flesh-eating bacteria.

Since I’m supposed to be talking about Guilty Pleasures, here it is: Something is killing the vampires in St. Louis. And not just the ones on the bottom of the pecking order, but powerful vampires. Willie the vampire (what the fuck?) tries to hire Anita, known as The Executioner, to find out who or what is killing the bloodsuckers. She refuses but is coerced by Jean-Claude, super-supremo-sexy vampire, into accepting. Jean-Claude and Willie the Vampire are working on behalf of Nikolaos, who is Master Head Honcho Vampire Princess of St. Louis. Anita starts digging around, pisses off a lot of people, including Nikolaos, and raises a zombie. There is some fighting, an appearance by were-rats (holy fucking hell), then an undercover sting operation with a vampire-addicted stripper, some more fighting, BUILD-UP, more build-up, final fight scene, the end. Also, Jean-Claude starts the process of making Anita a human servant, which is like a super-special gold-star vampire lackey who has many of the strengths of a vampire and few of the weaknesses. Sounds like a sweet deal, but Anita is not happy. She never is, but this is especially sad-making for her. Even though, despite a one-thousand year old vampire trying very hard to make her dead, she is very much alive because of Jean-Claude and his vampire marks.

Go ahead and read it. But I’ll just say I told you so now.

Guilty Pleasures, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 1

Note to editors: A garter belt is not the same thing as garters. Why someone would wear garter BELTS is beyond my comprehension. It sounds monstrously uncomfortable. And one person wears one leotard. Their legs are not covered in leotards. I guess you could layer them, but really, that makes no sense. Also, tireder? This is not acceptable. Not even in your own head.


Edited for formatting 

On finding the crux ... part II

Moving on.

I think my main issue with fiction written in first person is tenses. Most authors who write FP go for a kind of vague present-past (there is probably a literary term for this, but I go to culinary school) where the action is primarily assumed to be happening either right now or some hazy five-minutes-ago period. This stretches believability for me - it makes me think, for whatever reason, that this character is somehow taking time away from being a character to be a narrator in their own stories. I'm not sure I'm making myself clear, but this is the best I can explain it. The best stories written in FP, for me, establish when the story is taking place in relation to when the story is being narrated. Margaret Atwood, for example, pulls this off all the time, seamlessly. The story-telling feels natural, not forced and not muddled with stupid headvoices and their inescapable need to make stupid observations.

Headvoices, you know. The ultimate downfall of FP, and one of my major grievances with AB:VH. Anita Blake's headvoice is dumb (see blog tittle!). There is a reason people do not say every thought that pops into their brain - because no one is particularly interested in your white noise. If I spent my day talking like Anita Blake thinks, someone would surely put me out of my misery. LKH allows Blake to prattle on and on about shit that I don't care about, or shit she's already told me a million times, or most often, shit I don't care about AND she's told me a million times. I get it! Dolph never says goodbye on the phone! You are really into your Browning Hi-Power! Your shoulder holster chafes! YOU DON'T WEAR BASE, AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S CALLED "FOUNDATION" YOU DUMB TWAT.

You see? I'm raging just thinking about it. There are sentences in these books that genuinely make me want to burn everything she has ever written. She has this overwhelming need to repeat the most irritating turns of phrase (like ending any mention of her own much lauded smart-assery with "who me?") and most offensively, ANSWERING her own STUPID QUESTIONS. "Could it be? Naw." "Would I do that? Ri-ight." Yes. Yes "Ri-ight" [sic] shows up all the time. In some books, it's "Ri----ight." In others, it's "Riiiiight." Why would anyone do that? What about that obnoxious late 90's parlance would make anyone think it is okay to put that in a written work that does not feature David Spade?

Anita Blake's - despite her shallow yet frequent existential crises - biggest fan is herself. I've never met a more undeservedly self-involved main character. It's like the character is so self-involved that the rest of her fictional world is consumed by her gaping face hole like a fucking vacuum. It's hard to watch the potential of this series fall into that sucking abyss. For all her faults, LKH did manage to build an intriguing alternaverse. It's not a new idea by any stroke of the imagination, but there is enough nuance in her world to make it different and interesting. And yet? And yet. Everything she could have done with this world and these characters is more or less destroyed by the epic lameness of it's heroine/psycho cunt/sniveling pansy (depending on the book, you see, because although one of Blake's many favorite phrases is "At least I'm consistent" - the absolute opposite is true.)

So the big question becomes: Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Because I must. It's train wreck syndrome at it's finest. I also am pretty incapable of starting a series and not seeing it through to it's gory end. I did not seek this series out on purpose - it found me. A dear friend answered my request for some good and solid trashy book with Guilty Pleasures. Like, it's CALLED Guilty Pleasures. I would think it was almost a wink, but I can't give LKH that much credit. And it really does start off ... not great, but not offensively bad. It starts off like a silly and fun jaunt through a silly world with silly characters. There is no sex in the earlier books. None! They are a huge tease, because really, you pick up these books thinking they will be full of blood and sex and terrible dialogue. You get the blood and dialogue, but the sex isn't there. So you feel cheated, insistent that if you keep going, if you plow through just one more, your payoff will arrive all wrapped up in a leather harness and a ball gag. Well. You know. It does. But by the time it gets there, you realize this was all a horrible mistake and you are too far gone to turn back.

What does LKH do right? There are things. Some things. Her pacing is more or less spot on. If she could get past the redundancy and the headvoice, there would never be a dull moment in any of her stories. Like so many of her FP brethren, she gets caught up in unnecessary details, so will often spend too long talking about furniture (hello, Anne Rice! I have missed your 14 page love letters to an ottoman). I could get past it. When the sex does show up in full frontal force, it is ... surprisingly ... not badly written. There are - I won't so "no" but - very few corny adjectives or euphemisms like I was wholly expecting. They don't ramble on, but they're not exactly clipped. They last as long as they need to. And you know how some sex scenes in books practically radiate the discomfort and awkwardness of the author? Hers do not. She is confident in that, at least.

Otherwise? Uh. Right.

I'm sure I've already made clear that I'm, at this moment, only halfway through the series. I may be forced to redact some or all of the above once I get through the whole thing. After having glimpsed the wiki for her already-ridiculous variety of were-animals, I am pretty sure things will only get worse. My plan is to hold on to my rage for as long as possible, because once I just start accepting all of this bullshit I'm being thrown, I will see no other recourse but to hang up my hat and blow my fucking head off.

So! Audience of none! The ultimate question is: should you read this series?

...

Are you fucking stupid? Have you learned nothing? KEEP YOUR PURITY AND RUN, FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Tuesday email chain

Dani: I started the review for Laughing Corpse, but was focusing on my magnum opus, which is a kind of general overview of why I love/hate this series as a whole, thus far. It’s kind of turning into an angry manifesto, but I’m just letting it go where it needs to.

I think after I finish Obsidian Butterfly, I am going to take a break from her. I’m starting to lose my shit. I swear when I read the sentence “there is not much they can do to chicken to make it uneatable” I almost broke the Kindle in half.

Janet: But Obsidian Butterfly is where it starts getting ultra. Ultra what, I don't know, but it's certainly spectacular. I'm with you on the magnum opus though. It's harder to think about the books separately than in aggregate. Like, GP isn't HORRIBLE but it sure as shit ain't good. But knowing what's coming actually makes the beginning of the series seem like a paragon of good taste and superior storytelling. (Now I will be looking out for "uneatable chicken" HOW DO I NOT REMEMBER THIS?) I don't know how I actually feel about it anymore.

Dani: She uses “eatable” or “un-“ at LEAST three times that I can remember. It’s UNBEARABLE, JANET.

I thought the one right before O.B. (I don’t even remember the names anymore, honestly, they just blend) was where it got ultra. I was seriously saying WHAT THE FUCK like every 10 minutes. With the leopards! And the sex healing! And the TRIUM-FUCKING-VIRATE (you did not lie – I now hate that word) My cats were terrified of me. It gets worse than this? I will die.
I’m with you on the earlier books, and I’m not even half way through. Re-skimming LC is like breath of … I won’t say fresh air, but less fetid air. Hey, remember when the main character made sense, kind of? Good times.

Janet: I feel like I really need to check it out from the library. Just to make sure. Because I ran across some weird grammar in GP that make me go "wha?". So I kind of keep hoping that it's just the formatting on the copies I have, but I know when I checked out "Divine Misdemeanors" (from the Merry Gentry series) I was kind of floored by the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE editing. Does it really start before OB? I thought it was the book after. But the LEOPARDS!! OMG. JUST FUCKING WAIT until she gets to the rest of the goddamn zoo. (I will say that I love Nathaniel later in the series)

Dani: I have just gotten to the jaguars, and I was so resigned that all I could do was be like … of course, jaguars, OF COURSE. OB is almost dull thus far in the WTF department, which would be relieving if it weren’t for the grammar/spelling problems that are making me rage.

Nathaniel is … (one of) the little submissive leopard people, yeah? I am honestly losing track. There were so many ridiculous tertiary characters in the last book -- all with equally stupid names -- that I have pretty much given up on trying to differentiate.

Janet: Yeah, Nathaniel is a submissive leopard (and writing that sentence made my head explode) but later in the books, I don't know why, I LOVE him. It might be the pearls. I know a lot of AB fans loathe him, but he makes my insides go "SQUEEEE". But, ugh, leopards. Then pandas, penguins, and Thompson's gazelles. This is a joke, but there are swans, so why the fuck not a penguin?

Dani: Submissive Leopard = my new band name. Seriously, I’m crying. AND I want to be a were-penguin.

THE SWAN GUY. OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HIM. Um. Another stupid name. Um. I want to say, like, Rochester, but that is not it.

Kaspar. It’s Kaspar. I fucking Googled “wereswan” and got this page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shapeshifter_(Anita_Blake_mythology)#Wereswans

Someone wrote that! Someone! Sat! Down! And! Wrote! That! (facepalm)


Janet: HOLY CRAP!

I've glanced at the AB wiki but there is a separate wiki just for the were's?  THAT'S AMAZING. Although, I would not be surprised if it was LKH. 

I'm pretty sure that LKH is a BDSM'er (actually this is complete conjecture and based on zero facts whatsoever) and maybe she thinks that these weird ultra-german names make everything sound like black leather. Kaspar. Dolph. BERT. If I could type a german accent I would.

Can you imagine a werepenguin? How awesome would that be? Make Joe draw one. And then we can get tattoos.

Dani: WERE-PENGUINS TATTOOS, HOLLA. 

Dude, I have so many ideas about LKH that are all complete conjecture but I’m absolutely convinced are true. Her being into BDSM is the kindest of all of them. And you know she’s a bottom but totally wants to be a top. I want to have a cocktail with her. I might have to slap her once to get it out of my system, but I really just want to sit down with her and be like WHAT THE FUCK WITH YOU, LADY.

All of her crazy/dumb exotic names are like … the kind you can’t say without either having GUSTO or, are German. Like OLAF! I have recently been introduced to Olaf and I hate both his name and her development of his character more than anything.

On finding the crux, or why I hate AB:VH in 5000 words or less

Official Kindle ownership sorted; celebrated by spending 3.5 of the four days I had off absolutely cut off from all communication with the entire world apart from occasional nods to my husband and occasionally feeding my cats. Nice fuh me.

Over the long weekend, I finished books five through most-of-nine of the AB:VH series, treating this task as something to be endured and put behind me as quickly as possible. I am not savoring these books, you guys. I am speeding through them with frequent twitching and very frequent mutterings of “seriously?” and “what the bleeding fuck” to my empty living room.

Before I unleash my recap/review of Book 2, I wanted to try and put out there exactly why I have a barely-love/mostly-hate relationship with this series. Bear with me on this one, it could get messy.

Let’s start with the character of Anita Blake, whom as I get further and further along have realized is not so much a real character but simply a projection of what the author’s, like, fantasy life would be. LKH didn’t really invent Anita Blake – Blake is just a super-maxed version of everything LKH wants to be, and it is obvious enough to be embarrassing; especially since the character is so ridiculously flawed in both personality AND execution. It’s narcissistic, but kind of pathetically so.

Like, I get that this character is the center of the story. I understand that these are tales spun to me in that glorious First Person voice (more on that later) of this character, so yes, of course it is going to be All Her All The Time, and of course she (as a character) is going to feel that it certainly should be that way. What bothers me is that every other character, great or small, seems to feel the exact same way. I can believe in this alternate universe of vampires and were-fucking-everythings. I can believe in the completely-not-real details of this world, of these people in it, their politics and laws. It is called suspension of disbelief, and it is what you expect out of any piece of fiction. What strains my suspension is not the zombie raising or the black magic or the unnecessary overuse of fake words – it’s the concept that not one single inhabitant of this story has mild or neutral feelings towards the main character. Every person or –thing that crosses her path is either hopelessly in love/lust with her, thinks she’s the second coming of Bad Ass Murder Christ, or hates her with a passion … that burns in their loins. It doesn’t make sense. She has not been fleshed out enough as character to be remotely that compelling, even just to other characters. She wears polo shirts, like, a lot! No one who wears that many polo shirts is that fucking attractive!

And she continues to get more and more ridiculous as the series goes on. Now she’s a necromancer! Now she’s a witch!  Now she controls the shapeshifters with nothing but her unmitigated powers of SHEER AWESOMENESS. It feels like a cop-out. It feels like LKH has made this woman some kind of preternatural (yet human! Still human! LEST WE FORGET) superwoman because she’s too goddamn lazy to figure out a way to explain how Anita Blake could possibly A) still be alive, and more importantly B) why anyone should actually give a shit.

[to be continued ... ]