Thursday, March 31, 2011

Bloody Bones (AB:VH, Book 5)

Bloody Bones opens with Anita being offered a job that only she can do (Anita is SPECIAL! She is like Magic but with guns and a bad attitude!!). Because Anita is magic, she can probably do this job, is probably the only person who can do anything, ever, in the history of everything. Specifically, she has to raise an entire graveyard worth of zombies to settle a land dispute for some property developers.

Anita takes the job and flies out to Branson, MI (fun fact: Anita is terrified of flying. She’s just like everybody else! She is afraid of things that don’t have too many teeth or turn furry by moonlight!). Before she goes, she takes a side trip to see Richard the Werewolf (where is he is currently teaching a class) to reschedule their date because apparently, a phone call wouldn’t do the trick (note: Richard is olive skinned, not permanently tanned as Anita is fond of saying. Really, it’s okay to say he’s swarthy). She brings Larry, her assistant-zombie-raiser/vampire-hunter-in-training with her to Branson.

When she gets to Branson, she meets the property developer, Raymond Stirling, who is a douche-bag. He impresses upon her how important it is that she raise the corpses and say that they aren’t Bouviers. Anita demurs because she is honest in all things and won’t lie for him if they are Bouviers. While she is inspecting the graveyard, she gets a call from Dolph, who in his usual gruff manner, tells her that she needs to go investigate a crime scene sort-of nearby that may or may not be supernatural. Off she goes with Larry to inspect the 3 young victims, decides that they may or may not have been killed by a something with a very large sword, makes nice with the commanding officer (by nice I mean annoys the crap out of), and goes to dinner at Bloody Bones. Bloody Bones is a restaurant owned by Magnus and Dorcas Bouvier. The Bouviers are part fey (like fairies but with less glitter and more sex).

While Anita is questioning Magnus about whatever, she gets another call from Dolph about another victim, and off she goes again. The victim is/was an underage girl who is now going to be a vampire in 3 days, her parents say “no, stake her now, she is damned because JESUS”, Anita says “WAIT”, some cops show up, they go look for the vampire, get attacked by some other vampires, several people die, a kid gets kidnapped, Anita calls Jean-Luc for help, and then goes back to the original graveyard to help Stirling. Anita does some corpse magic with Larry, things get SPOOKY, Magnus shows up, tells her it is VERY IMPORTANT that she not raise the corpses, and flits away.

Anita and Larry go to their hotel where they find Jean-Claude and Jason (he’s a werewolf, also wants to bone Anita, who doesn’t? ME) waiting for them. Blah, blah, blah, Dorcas shows up looking for Magnus, explains why everyone is so hot in the pants for the land (big, bad fairy named Rawhead and Bloody Bones, kills people with a sword, is imprisoned at the graveyard). Turns out that Magnus has secretly been drinking BB’s blood to level-up his magic and as a result, BB can manifest and is responsible for killing the original 3 victims and probably some other people. And then Jean-Claude brokers a deal with vampire Serephina (MotC of Branson) to get the kidnapped kid back. But, treachery! Serephina has been colluding with EVERYBODY. She dealt with BB to level-up, her and BB dealt with Stirling to get the land available and let BB free, she’s been harboring a pedophile vampire who is responsible for the kidnapping AND some other pretty grody stuff.

Anyway, Jean-Claude gets his ass whipped by one of Serephina’s minions, Anita feeds Jean-Claude blood to make him all better, there is a whole lot of double-crossing, BB is killed, Anita trades herself as a hostage for everyone else (isn’t she just a peach?), Serephina mind-fucks Anita, Magnus dies, Anita call the cops, Serephina mind-fucks Anita AGAIN, the cops kill all the extra-bad vamps, and Anita decides that Jean-Claude isn’t such a bad guy after all, The End. THANK GOD.

All of this has happened over a 24-hour period, our Anita is very efficient. Also, Anita FINALLY succumbs to Jean-Claude’s wiles. They don’t actually fuck, but there is some heavy petting. Plus, she can now control vampires with necromancy. So yeah, Anita gets more and more magical because that’s what she does. Have a problem? Don’t worry, Anita can fix it because not only does she have an irresistible vagina, she will somehow manifest a new ability to overcome whatever ails you. Next book she reverses global warming (with her vagina), engineers a sustainable, renewable energy source (probably with her vagina), ends all wars (again, probably with her vagina) and makes pies from scratch (hopefully not with her vagina).

Sound terrible? It is, but just you wait. Laurell K. Hamilton manages to completely redefine the word terrible. It’s a working definition because we still have 16 books to go, but she does it. I tell you, it is IMPRESSIVE.

Bloody Bones, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 5 by Laurell K. Hamilton

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