Friday, May 6, 2011

pr0nz commin' @ ya like a beast in da nyte!!!1!!; or, what I've been up to

I can't explain the post title. I'm wacked out on cold medicine. That's really all I have.

I read Under The Dome. It was. Um. Here's our brief chat about it, because I don't think I want to talk about it anymore:
Dani:  Under The Dome? OK? A brief moment to congratulate myself on finishing a book that is something like 400,000 pages in less than a week. Then moving on to WTF WAS THAT?  I mean, it was kind of just … The Mist. With a dome instead of fog. And the inter-dimensional scary creatures being distant aliens instead of giant murderous insects, but like, the themes were the same. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! Take away daily necessities and it’s like Lord of the Flies! I  get it (and fell off the couch in agony when The Mist was actually REFERENCED in the book – like, 1) shut up, and 2) I don’t know if that was a ballsy or stupid move to acknowledge that he is aware that these stories are almost identical)       I dunno. I think I just get more uncomfortable with Stephen King’s capacity for genuine human scum-ery as I age gracelessly. I dunno if he’s ratcheting it up as HE gets older, but it sure feels like it.       And it was way heavy handed on the rape/assault/grossness front. Like, thanks, I get it, small town dudes (and dudettes, really) are all disgusting excuses for human beings. But MAN do you love hanging out with them.       /end rant
Jae: See, I never read The Mist. I don't think I've finished more than 2 or 3 SK novels, including UtD. And I probably won't be reading any more either. I feel like my pop culture reading cred is shot, but I can live with that.        The wrap-up/conclusion just made me angry. Aliens? That's what we went with? And spoiled baby aliens to boot? Yeahno. He gets no more of my money. Not that I've ever actually paid for his books, but the principle, you see, there is one.
Dani:  The Stand is worth it. It’s like his Ulysses, or something. And Needful Things, thought stupidly titled, is also up there (I think I hate the word ‘needful’ because I don’t feel like it should exist, but this is neither here nor there.)           But yeah. I think I’m over him. It did take me nearly 20 years to get there, which is a pretty good run.

So there's that.

I also read these other two books, because I was like, OK, it's time to buckle down a read a bonafide bodice-tearing (or whatever-tearing equivalent) romance novel - enough of them have been thrown at me for free at the Kindle store, so I might as well give it a go. It has been, seriously, fifteen years since I've read a romance. They are just not my thing. And I don't know what kind of romances I read in my youth, because these two? Homg. 

These novels? These are porn. I mean, straight up. Someone order a pizza.

There is this one, first of all. There's like, a plot? I guess? But it is obscured by all the fucking. There is a LOT of fucking. All kinds! All rodeo/western style! Threesomes, BDSM, M/M, oral, anal (twice!), you name it, it is being done to someone in a cowboy hat. Vigorously. The language is mostly plain (I don't think the word 'tumescent' appears even once) which is pretty impressive, considering it's literally 200 pages of tits and cock. So, good job! And apparently this is a series. Which is hilarious to me. But OK! I guess why bother creating new characters all the time if they're only going to be fucking. If you want some free literary porn, this is the one for you.

Then there's this one, which is also entirely about fucking. I actually didn't finish this one, and I'm not really sure I plan on it. There's only so many times I can read the phrase "slick channel" before I just puke everywhere. Seriously! Who says that?! 
There is also some vague semblance of a plot, but it's pretty irrelevant. The main male character book is actually terrifying, in a stalker-y/OCD/serial killer kind of way, and I'm almost positive he's not supposed to be. The female character is all blown away by how 'protective' he is and she is just soooo turned on by his "caveman" behavior, and I'm all OMG GET A FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER. 

IN ADDITION to those two wild rides, I read 13 Little Blue Envelopes, which I feel I shouldn't even be sullying by mentioning it in the same post as the above. It was precious! And GREAT. It deserves the full review treatment. I will get to it if Jae does not beat me to it.


  1. Okay, so I read that first sexy business book, and maybe some others in the series. Ahem. And they are all the same book. Names and locations are changed, but they are always, always! about the cock. I mean, yes there are ladies in the books, but really, it's about the cock. And sweet Christ,the multi-partner bits always sound more like a technical manual. Insert Cock A into Pussy B and insert Cock C into Asshole D. Wiggle, writhe, repeat.

    You should review 13 Envelopes! I have made my love of Maureen Johnson clear. I am also going to lend you Suite Scarlett.

  2. "Wiggle, writhe, repeat" is absolutely going to be the name of my first novel. REGARDLESS of what it's about.