Wednesday, May 18, 2011

On holy fuck, this is funny

ETA: Fail! I meant to post this on my other blog. Those dashboard buttons are fucking close together.

Well, whatever! It's up. Enjoy it.


Go read the full article at The Hairpin (it's got videos!), but I absolutely had to re-post this. It is the most amazing summary of Full House ever written.

Snippet from "What ABC’s “TGIF” 1997 – 1999 Lineup Can Teach Us About Men"

Thanks to Full House everyone who came of age in the ‘90s expects their "Aha!" moments to be accompanied by the Harpsichord of Learning. Three dudes living together in a house in San Francisco might sound more appropriate for the LOGO channel, but John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget were just trying to make a good life for the three blonde moppets (Jodie Sweeten, Candace Cameron, and Tia and Tamara Mowry) left behind by Saget’s widow. Her cause of death was never explicitly said, but we can all imagine what it’s like living with the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, so I’m gonna go with enthusiastic suicide. Full House didn’t have clever writing or exciting storylines, but it had that special something that appeals to us all: extra cheese.
There’s no point in beating around the bush; then and now, John Stamos is one fly-ass motherfucker. In terms of physical attraction, he cannot be beat, unless it’s by Rob Lowe, and even then it better be on Pay-Per-View, shirtless, with Ramona Singer's Pinot Grigio in my glass in order to determine a winner. In any case, Uncle Jesse had commitment issues and was a “bad boy” musician who played only Beach Boys covers. He eventually settled down with the equally attractive Aunt Becky, and they stayed in the attic of that Rorschach test of a house until they conceived gross twins. When they were courting, Aunt Becky was smart, sassy, and independent. Once he knocked her up, Aunt Becky drank the moral-seminar-spewing Kool Aid and was never cool again. And isn’t that the lesson here?  (CUE HARPSICHORD, DAMN IT!) Never change yourself for a man. Especially if that man shares a house with… 

Dave Coulier 

Despite the fact that Joey “The Ugly One” Gladstone (a frighteningly accurate precursor for Joey “The Ugly One” Fatone) was widely regarded as the loser of the three, more and more men follow his failed comedian man-child route, leaving the women of the world with no choice but to sleep with them. Joey didn’t have a lot of romantic options, because nobody wanted to see a man with a flair for speaking in a Popeye voice making the night moves. When he did, his romantic options were mostly weirdos with Bullwinkle fetishes. The biggest lesson we can be learned from Joey is that comedians in San Francisco have day jobs as nannies and live rent-free in the basement, and that if you expect more from them, you should “cut… it… out.” 

Bob Saget 

Neat-freak Danny Tanner had a lot of trouble with the ladies. A widower with three daughters and a self-righteous speech always ready in his back pocket, he wasn’t exactly a catch. He was mostly looking for mom stand-ins for the girls. Still, there’s something appealing about a man who seems so… good. Danny taught us that if you’re going to get involved with a man with three daughters, you can expect them to crash your dates and sabotage your relationship because you will never be as good as their dead mother. 
(A fun side game is to see how many Olsen Twins movies and TV shows exist where they actually have both of their parents. Those latchkey kids were always missing at least one parental unit — it’s insane.)

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