Books without a point [Circus of the Damned, AB:VH, Book 3]

As usual, the story starts off with Anita at work, interviewing potential zombie-raising clients. (Look! Anita has a job doing stuff! This is a reminder that she is a regular person! Also serves to present a unifying theme!) This time, these clients don't want to raise a zombie, they want Anita to help them kill a vampire. Specifically, the Master of the City (they are not aware that this is Jean-Claude and Anita ever-so-politely declines to tell them). Dudes Jeremy and Karl are part of an anti-vampire group called Humans First that wants to kill all vampires despite the legal protections that vampires now enjoy. Anita tells the dudes to fuck off, she's not interested in helping. Mostly because their plan sucks.

Anita gets called to assist Dolph (his name is Randolf, why does no one call him Randolf? Oh, right, everyone in these books is quasi-German) with a murder investigation. Male victim with multiple vampire bites is found on someone's lawn. Anita identifies that the victim has been bitten by multiple vampires which rules out the possibility of him being turned. Anita doesn't believe that this murder is the work of Jean-Claude (him being such a nice guy and all) but goes to see him to find out if he has any information about the attack. At the Circus of the Damned (it really is a circus, if a circus could be said to smoke massive quantities of crack) she meets a couple of shifters, sees a giant snake, and has a confrontation with a psychotic lady-vampire. Then the giant snake goes berserk and eats a few people. Anita, Jean-Claude, various shifters, some Naked Dude, and Psycho Vampire fight the snake and kill it. Jean-Claude tells Anita that he does not know who killed the Murder Victim but would she please stop fighting against the vampire marks he placed on her against her will and also, get naked for some sexy vampire loving. Anita tells Jean-Claude to please STFU and proceeds to plan a date with Richard (previously known as Naked Dude). Then there is a pointless interlude with Edward "I love to kill things" Nolastname and one with Ronnie "I exist to fill page space" Sims.

Later, another Murder Victim (this time a lady) is found with multiple vampire bites. When Anita firsts shows up at the crime scene, this lady is merely dead. After a little while Anita notices that the lady is now dead AND pretty. She realizes that the first Murder Victim must by now be turning into a vampire. Because, apparently, a powerful enough vampire could turn someone even with bites from many vampires. Anita remembers reading this in an article, but neglected to mention it at the first crime scene (where she assured everyone that the victim was really really dead). There is another pointless interlude at the morgue where the NOW-NOT-DEAD dead man has been sent. There is much mayhem and carnage.

At Anita's behest, a new animator is hired by Animators, Inc. ( the zombie-raising firm Anita works for). New guy Larry is sent out by himself to do some zombie raising. Anita meets him at his 3rd job, where he has over-extended himself and proceeds to save his ass. She gives him a TOUGH-LOVE talk. As they are leaving the job site, Anita and Larry are attacked by Humans First. Then they are attacked by a group of vampires. Then they are saved by Karl(of Humans First). It turns out that the vampires who attacked are the rogue vampires who have been biting people a lot and the master of this group, Alejandro, wants to be Master of the City of St. Louis. He has placed the first vampire mark on Anita in an effort to weaken Jean-Claude's power. AND THEN it turns out that Karl is the human servant of Mr. Oliver who also wants to be MotC. And Mr. Oliver is a million years old. Literally. And he has a pet Snake-Lady who is also immortal. Mr. Oliver offers to free Anita of all of her vampire marks if she tells him who the current MotC is. She tells him she'll think about it.

Snake-Lady later comes to Anita and tells her Mr. Oliver wants to see her and gives her a ride to some cave in the middle of nowhere. Melanie (Snake-Lady's name, wtf) then tries to kill Anita. She gets bitten by one of Melanie's snake buddies but manages to escape and is picked up by Edward (just in case your brain has not yet turned to mush, this is merely another implausible coincidence in a series of implausible coincidences) in THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE. Now Anita nearly dies from the poison in her bite but is saved by Jean-Claude giving her yet another vampire mark. This makes Anita very angry and she tells Mr. Oliver who Jean-Claude is. Then she finds out that when Mr. Oliver takes over as MotC, he plans on a very public killing spree to force vampires back into hiding. So she calls Jean-Claude to tell him she has betrayed him. Jean-Claude tells her that Mr. Oliver has already challenged him to a duel. Then there is a giant fight at CotD. Alejandro (who is nominally working for Mr. Oliver) forces the last vampire marks on Anita. She uses her extra-special super-sort-of-vampire strength and rips Mr. Olivers spine out through his neck and also stakes Alejandro. Anita and Jean-Claude both survive the epic battle. And then Anita re-schedules her date with Richard. Oh, and Richard is a werewolf. A very sexy werewolf.

Here's something that annoys the piss out of me: each book reads like Anita is telling her story to herself but then WHAM, all of a sudden she's talking to the reader or asking the reader questions. This juxtaposition is both off-putting and obnoxious. But mostly it's obnoxious. Talk to the reader or talk to yourself. PICK ONE.

I have some advice for authors too: continuity is really important. Characters should not be described as having longish hair and then 10 pages later described as having short hair. Unless you have specifically mentioned them getting a haircut. Also, don't make a point of saying that people can be turned into shifters only by the violent attack of a shifter-in-animal-form and then say that they can also be turned by a bad vaccine. Hire an editor. Pointing out shit like that is their JOB. Continuity might not make your story GOOD, but it will make your story better. I PROMISE.

Here's a link. But please remember that I read this so that YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Save your money. Or better yet, use your money to buy me a present.

Circus of the Damned, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 3

Yes, yes, YES.

http://www.pommedesang.com/pdsbb/viewtopic.php?t=11456

I've only read halfway down the thread but I already agree with all of.

Back in school, and this quarter promises to be extra brutal, so the reading/writing will be fewer and farther between. Eeeep. Wish me luck!

Appearing to be lazy

I am supposed to be writing a review of AB:VH, Circus of the Damned. I have every intention of doing this but I want to actually re-read it and I need to finish like 4 other books first. I don't know WHY I want to re-read it, but as I've said before, I am clearly a masochist (albeit one suffering without any hope of a big pay-off).

I am nearly finished with Shadowheart, TRIUMPHANT CONCLUSION of the Shadowmarch series by Tad Williams. I will not even make a cursory attempt to review it. After 4 books and 3000 pages, the best I could do is this:

Book 1: Storyline is established

Book 2: Storyline continues

Book 3: Storyline keeps continuing

Book 4: Storyline is concluded, but not totally

As reviews go, that would be wholly unsatisfying. And utterly fucking pointless. Suffice it to say, it is the epitome of Epic Fantasy. Fairies, walking, fighting, magic, swords, crazy monarchs and crazier gods. Plus 1000 pages more than are necessary.

I am reading The Butterfly Revolution by William Butler, which is similar to Lord of the Flies. I'm only a third through it, but it's interesting. I'm not reviewing this one either. It's only 200 pages long, go read it yourself.

I am also reading The Spirit Lens by Carol Berg, but I'm only 50 pages in so maybe this doesn't count.

Plus, I have to start reading The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. I would rather eat my own eyeballs for breakfast.

I'll be back soon-ish.

Eagle by day [Immortal Warrior, The Immortal Brotherhood Series, Book 1]

I was one sentence into Immortal Warrior when I came across this name “Hakon IronToe”. Once I stopped laughing, I seriously considered lighting the book on fire and then throwing it out of the window. I managed to check the impulse, but that’s mostly due to the fact that it’s a library book, I’ve already been banned from using the library like 4 times (I meant to return those, I swear) and I am trying REALLY HARD to keep my record clean.

Once I got past the shock of Hakon fucking IRONTOE, I got sucked into the story fairly quickly. A bunch of Norsemen (IronToe makes slightly more sense now, but I still wouldn’t want it for my handle) are trying to get their hammers on some treasure. Cwen, a witch, is all like HELL NO. There is a MIGHTY BATTLE and Cwen’s son is killed. She is majorly pissed and curses the warriors to live as men by day and beasts by night (or beasts by day and men by night, because consistency is clearly not Cwen’s strong suit). And they get to live forever. After an unspecified amount of time has passed, we meet Ivar Graycloak (eagle by day) who is a high-muckety-muck vassal of William the Conqueror, Jr. He does some vassal-y stuff for the King, is given some land as a reward and off he goes to see to it (also, he gets a wife, Alaida, whose grandfather owned the land Ivar was just awarded). Ivar scoops up his buddies Brand (bear by day) and Ari (raven by night) on his way to his new place. He meets Alaida and is all HEY BABY and Alaida is all OUT OF MY FACE JERKBAG. She marries him because she has been commanded to by the King, but she is not happy about. She does have sex with him, because hey, now that she’s married, why not? Ari has a vision of a baby turning into an eagle and flying out of the window and tells Ivar (by note, on account of them never being people at the same time) to stop swiving his wife unless he wants to pass the curse on. Of course Ivar has not told anybody about the curse and freaks right the fuck out. Alaida, who already doesn’t trust Ivar because she’s never seen him by the light of the sun, is now supremely pissed because not only does she have this husband she didn’t want but now he won’t even be a sexy-funtime-husband to her. Anyway, so as not to spoil the story, the rest of the book goes like this: Angst, sexual frustration, suspicion, SURPRISE, side story, PLOT TWIST, the end.

The Good Shit

My expectations for Paranormal Romance* are low. REALLY low. But the characters here are nuanced and subtle and they behave like real people. The hero is a regular guy who happens to have shit luck. He is certainly capable of some douchbaggery but he is trying to be a good guy and make up for it. The heroine isn’t a ridiculous bit of fluff with more hair than sense. She’s smart and stubborn and she isn’t afraid to be herself in a time that wasn’t exactly friendly to willful women. She also genuinely cares for the people she sees as under her protection. The love between the hero and heroine comes on gradually, not like a lightning strike of instant TRUE LOVE (which is rarely believable). The characters speech is neither too modern nor extremely old fashioned (thankfully, no thee’s or thou’s) but peppered with some medieval terminology that adds to the setting. I didn’t see the plot twist coming until a few pages before it happened. The sex scenes don’t overwhelm the story and are descriptive enough to be interesting without being too crude.

The Bad Shit

The third-person viewpoint switches between characters without warning, often in the middle of a passage. The plot twist required a number of amazing coincidences with a HEY IT’S MAGIC as the means of explanation (or utter lack thereof). The ending was satisfying but a little too neat.

Conclusion

Immortal Warrior was entertaining and well written and I’ll probably read at least the next two books. I’m not pissed that I read this and don’t feel like I wasted my time even if it is a pretty fluffy book. I sincerely doubt I would have bothered with any of it, but I had managed to snag a free copy of book three for my Kindle and my compulsive habits demanded that I start from the beginning.

If you are Fantasy purist, don’t bother with it. If you like Urban Fantasy, you’ll probably like this.

Immortal Warrior; The Immortal Brotherhood, Book 1

*I've read some good paranormal romance, but the majority has been overwhelmingly awful

The Laughing Corpse [AB:VH Book 2]

Fine. Let's get on with this.

I started re-reading this for the purposes of this review, and was admittedly pleased at how refreshing the earlier books are in their ... I don't know, potential? Like, the train hasn't slammed into the sedan yet, and Bobby Junior did not have his braces melt to the back of the seat in the flaming wreckage (a la Fight Club), but knowing that this horrible hot mess is coming makes the whole affair reek of a doomed kind of solace. And really, it's much too soon to even consider re-reading these books. So I'm cheating and using this summary as a guide, because they do all start to blend together in their awfulness.

There are a couple of different plot branches in this one that naturally end up all being interrelated and relevant by the end (get used to this formula, she uses it a lot.) And you'd think that since this is the second book in the series, we'd be out of the woods as far as obnoxious introductory stuff, but YOU WOULD BE WRONG. So just assume that as I'm going through this, we are spoken to frequently of her endless polo shirts, stuffed penguins, affinity for guns, and "witty repartee" - direct quote.

SO. We kick off with a Scary Rich Dude who wants to hire Blake to raise some super crazy old zombie (Remember? When she took a break from having sex with creatures and raised zombies from time to time?), which of course would require a human sacrifice and he's all 'I got this, yo' and she's all 'Fuck you, pal, you ain't killing no bitches on my watch.' and she, you know, storms out all indignant and he's all rageface.

While Scary Rich Dude is presumably off plotting all sorts of Scary Rich Dude things to persuade Blake to help, she gets called off by the fuzz to go look at some grisly crime scenes (and these grisly crime scenes are the driving forces of pretty much every book, so please enjoy the nuance of her descriptions of such this time, because you will soon want to drag a rake through your eyes every time she gets a beep [yes! beepers!] from DOLPH, the police ... guy ... who's name will always be in caps because it needs to be yelled in your head). Some sweet little family was all butchered, and we are treated to three pages of her talking about whether or not she will puke, what the implications of her puking would be, and what she is wearing that will either impact her puking or not. She gets all EXPERT at the scene and decides it's a flesh-eating zombie doing all this nasty damage, even though we have been told that zombies don't eat people on more than one occasion (get used to this as well - I'm sure it's written with the intent of being SHOCKING, but it feels more like waffling to me)

So she takes one her partners, who you feel is going to be relevant throughout the series but pretty much disappears after Book 4 (and in my head he is Don Sanchez from Assy McGee, but that's neither here nor there), goes to meet with a voodoo priestess who's all Looks Like Grandma, Acts Like The DEVIL and finds out some stuff, like it was probably her who set this murderous rampaging creature loose because that's what she does. For fun. And somehow Blake pisses her off and starts some vendetta. Because that's what SHE does. For fun.

Later we get introduced John Burke ... and I don't know why I'm telling you this, because he is another "totally will be relevant!" character, you think, but ... not so much. He is IN the later books, kind of, in an irrelevant way. BUT he's some big shot zombie raiser from New Orleans who was a suspect for maybe 30 seconds before that plot choked on its own bullshit and died. Moving on.

Later still, two Hell Grandma zombies break into Blake's apartment and try to eat her face, which we assume is retribution for offending her by standing in her basement and passing judgment on her soul zombies. Because I'm sure the most badass voodoo queen in like the whole fucking world is totally affected by what Anita Blake thinks of her. Sufffice to say, Blake kills the zombies and fucks up her penguins with zombie gore and we are treated to another three pages of the implications this mess will have on her lease, and how DOES one get blood out of a stuffed animal. Apparently you shouldn't use the bathtub. WHO KNEW.

We circle back to the original plot of Scary Rich Dude, and finally get to hang out with Jean-Claude some more and ... you know what? I can't even type "Jean-Claude" without cringing. He will heretofore be known as JC, like jesus, because he might as well be. Anyway, she needs a bodyguard (??) to go talk to a prostitute named WHEELCHAIR WANDA (that is her name, really) because she used to date Scary Rich Dude, who evidently has a hard-on for cripples, and will have information on how super sinister he is. JC is all, to Blake, YOU HAVE MY MARKS BE MY SEX SLAVE I AM WEARING VERY TIGHT PANTS and she's all "No" but she totally wants to do him like right there. Oh, and this is happening at ... wait for it ... The Laughing Corpse! Which is a comedy club! Owned by JC and operated by vampires! GET IT? Titular line! Clever, amirite?!

She finds out Scary Rich Dude wants to raise a dead family member for some kind of treasure, or something, as revenge, or something, and the details don't matter. Oh, and he is trying to kill Blake, too. Of course. Because no one in this universe can just accept a polite refusal of an offer without MURDEROUS RAGE.My chronology is fucked, but this also doesn't matter. At some point we learn that the flesh-eating zombie that is killing families is a relative of Scary Rich Dude, and was raised by Hell Grandma, who is working for Scary Rich Dude, but apparently fucked this up hardcore and now he's all YOU'RE FIRED, even though she's not (again, ??). The flesh-eater was, in life, a necromancer, which apparently pre-disposes you to kill families when you become a zombie? I guess? And Blake discovers all this on an epic flesh-eating zombie hunt at another crime scene, when she is struck by the brilliant idea that our flesh-eater hides ... in a fucking trash can. Not like, a dumpster. A trash can, that you put in front of your house for sanitation workers. Like, this was her A-HA moment. Because it's plausible, you guys!

Her and the fuzz kill the flesh-eater, and she goes to the hospital for whatever reason, zombie vaccines or something, and then gets abducted - along with Wheelchair Wanda - by Scary Rich Dude. Who is hanging out with Hell Grandma, because clearly he has not learned his lesson. He still needs his zombie raised god-fucking-damnit, and he will rape/maim/torture to get it. And he has provided Wheelchair Wanda as the human sacrifice needed to raise this zombie! How economical of him!

End scene has all the happy band of freaks in this cemetery, where Blake uses her amazing MacGyver skills to get her ass out of every impossible predicament and kills Scary Rich Dudes two bodyguard-goons instead of Wanda, which is OMG TWO SACRIFICES, and apparently that kind of craziness is enough to raise THE WHOLE CEMETERY and then she sets off her pack of now killer zombies (because you can do that, LKH forgot to mention before, when she was changing the rules again) and takes out Scary Rich Dude and Hell Grandma, who went down surprisingly easily considering she just spent the whole book making her as practically immortal with her badassness.

This whole scene is enough to make JC go "You are scary, bitch, but I still want to fuck you" and she is all "No, still" and OMG I AM TOTALLY A NECROMANCER TOO! This is the first instance of GUESS WHAT ELSE I AM, YOU GUYS that is prevalent throughout the series (honestly, by book 9, she's pretty much confessed to being everything amazing that ever existed as a means to explain unnecessary plot points). Oh, and she can technically be put to death by the law for killing people with "magic" regardless of whether or not it was in self-defense so let's not tell anyone about that whole Slaughter In The Cemetery thing.

If you have read this book, you are already tits deep in the fire, but you can still turn back! If you haven't ... oh, why am I bothering. Here is a link to buy it, but I recommend borrowing/pirating/stealing, because please don't give this woman any of your money.

http://www.amazon.com/Laughing-Corpse-Anita-Vampire-Hunter/dp/0425204669/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294377871&sr=8-1