WHAT. Stop it.

Jae just told me she was also about to post something. IT IS CHRISTMAS FOR YOU, YOU GUYS.

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Hey! We’re alive! Did you know? Because I wasn’t 100% sure myself.

No, we’re totally alive, and Jae is still totally reading 900 books a day on topics ranging from dragons to vaginas to dragon vaginas* and I'm still taking six months to get through fucking Westeros. God, fuck Westeros so much.

I've been "away" forever because reasons. I did really want to do a total revamp and get an honest-to-god dot com and everything, and I tried! I really tried! But I had so many problems with importing the blog and like, webby, texty, codey stuff, that I basically just shut down, wept, and did not even want to look at anything. I used to be good at that sort of thing! In 2002. Yeah. Web design? Has changed. In ten years. Whoda thunk.

I guess my existential crisis is over (ha, ha, ha) because I do want to do something with this blog again. I just ordered a box of 35 (!) Sweet Valley High books (!!!!) and that shit is going to need to go somewhere. I don't know in what format or how, but I'm predicting ridiculously high levels of awesome.

Oh, while I was away, I did in fact read all of the Meredith Gentry series by our titular buddy LKH and here are my reviews:

Book 1: Fairies, torture, fucking

Book 2: Torture, fucking, fairies

Book 3: Fucking, fucking, fairies, title character completes metamorphosis to Mary Sue

Book 4: Fucking, torture, incest, rape, wait wtf?

Book 5: Unbearable. Just unbearable.

Book 6: what is this i can't even

Book 7: If you say the words "and thicker things" one more fucking time, I WILL CHOKE ON MY OWN VOMIT

There, I did something.

Back soon! Possibly with Jessica and Elizabeth. Oh stop. I know you're excited.

* if there is actually a book about dragon vaginas, someone needs to let me know ASAP

I read this, and other things.

So! I’ve read some books in the past, what … 6 months. Eight months? My laziness actually extends to the point that I don’t even want to check. But I have read books, and I will talk about them in a minute, swearsies.

I am planning on overhauling this extension of a bloated ego … I mean, blog … in the somewhat near future. I realized at some point during my extended sabbatical from book reviews that I was on an extended sabbatical from book reviews because I suck at writing them. When I suck at writing something, I tend to not do it (obv!). And while I still love the concept of tearing apart Laurell K Hamilton in a public forum (MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DO THIS), it has been a long enough time since I read those horrific books that the idea of going back to them and destroying them in minute detail feels more daunting than enjoyable. Like, who am I punishing here? Ah yes. Myself. The whole situation is completely sideways.  I have already suffered by reading them. The pleasure I would get from shitting all over them would not outweigh the torture of having to go through them a second time. You see what I’m saying.

Jae, however, is really good at book reviews! So she will totally still do that as much as she wants to. The concept for the new blog is more esoteric than book reviews. It’s more just another Shit We Dig kind of premise, which is not original, and I don’t care. My schedule is relentless through the end of March, so I don’t think I’ll make any real progress on the revamp until after graduation (WHAT.) But I’m looking forward to messing with it and you know, just an FYI, the winds of change are blowing, et cetera.

Those books I read! These are absolutely in no discernible order. Check it:

ReadyPlayer One (Ernest Cline) – I could have sworn Jae already reviewed this, but I guess not? She definitely told me to read it. And I did, after, whatever, 19 weeks of thinking about it. YOU GUYS. I’m a doucebag. This book is fucking amazing. Why haven’t you read it yet? Do I need to harangue you for 19 weeks? I will absolutely do that. It’s about this dude who lives in the future, and shit is bleak. There’s a total immersion virtual utopia called OASIS (shades of the metaverse, which I kept thinking, until the metaverse was actually referenced in the book and I’m like WELL PLAYED, SIR) where said dude spends 90% of his time, because real life sucks and the planet is dying and he lives in a van (kind of) not even down by a river.  A Steve Jobs-type dude [the one who invented the OASIS] kicks it and leaves his entire fortune up for grabs to whomever can solve an elaborate easter egg hunt inside the OASIS. There are like forty million 80s pop culture references, which you will enjoy the fuck out of if you have even a tiny shred of nostalgia/love for the 80s. Honestly, read this book. It is one of the best ones I’ve picked up in years.

TheNight Circus (Erin Morgenstern) – For once, there is actually a good reason for a book to be on the best seller lists. Jae already reviewed this. I agree with all of it. It’s been a long time since a book actively made me wish its reality was my own. I want to be a reveur so bad. And dude! This book made me so hungry. The descriptions of food were absolutely RIDIC. I think I’m going to dedicate a day to actually trying to make some of the things described in this book. Chocolate mice! Black & white popcorn! Oh god.

11/22/63:A Novel (Steven King) – I picked this up with some serious misgivings. I hated Under The Dome [which I heard is getting a mini-series, and ugh SHUT UP] and I felt like this was going to be another 4000 pages of unnecessary brutality and 15 page character portraits for people I don’t give a shit about. However! I was pleasantly surprised. A dude discovers a time portal in the pantry of a diner (LIKE YOU DO) and every time he walks through it, it is 11 o’clock in the morning on September 2, 1958. Every time he walks through, time resets. The cook who owns the diner has bought and served the same 10lbs of meat like 500 times. Right, I know, WTF. Anyway, the premise of the story is that the dude (Jake) is going to go through the portal and live in the past, working his way up to stopping the execution of JFK in 1963. There are the requisite million nuances of time travel, and the butterfly effect, and all sorts of wacky/weird shit you get with this classic scifi trope. The book is really, really well written. The characters are, you know, fine – standard Stephen King “Good People” and “Bad People.” The pacing is spot on. It’s a pretty hefty book but I breezed through it in like a week. Definitely check this one out – it’s probably his best one in at least the past 10 years.

DarkEarth (Jason Halstead) – This is still free for Kindle, so if you want to pick it up, you should get cracking. This one was? Weird? Kinda? I didn’t really know what it was about when I started reading it, and it starts off as a sort of Lifetime movie-ish yarn about a single dad and his teenage daughter living an uncomplicated life in the Great Lakes area woods. At some point it turns into a fantasy novel with witches and werewolves and dragons and parallel universes. I mean, all of those things are fine, but the way they were introduced was bizarre. The dad basically walks around the whole book going “This is CRAZY” and you’d think after you’d slain your 8^th ogre, maybe you’d lose the skepticism. It ends really abruptly, but I think there are more books in the series. I did buy the second one, but never got to reading it. It’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s free, so why not, give it a go.

TheWorld On Blood (Jonathon Nasaw)[reread] – I’ve been compelled to reread this book twice a year since it came out and a friend gave me a copy in the 6^th floor girls bathroom of Brooklyn Technical High School in 1997. This book manages to be completely amazing while somehow not having one shred of literary significance. It’s total trash. It’s absolutely a product of the early 90s. It’s about vampires who are not like Dracula vampires, just dudes & dudettes whose bodies process human blood like a drug (think equal parts booze, ecstasy, and PCP). There are blood orgies like every fourth page. Yes. Amazing.

I also read: The Big Book Of Death [graphic novel], the Big Book Of The Weird, Wild West [graphic novel], the first three books in the Dexter series [skip these, seriously, the show is way better], and probably like five more things that I can’t remember.

I read this (???)

Time period hazy. Let's go with, like, May through now. 


Suite Scarlett - Maureen Johnson
Scarlett Fever - Maureen Johnson


Generally, I don't love the YA. It's hard to discriminate against an entire genre, but really? I'm not old enough yet to have gotten tired of absorbing things made for adults; books that have cursing and drugs and sex and all of that useless shit. This sounds stupid, what with me pushing 30. I realize. Maybe it's my vehemence towards The Baby Machine and how any number of people that I used to really like now kind of suck because they had babies and it made them unbearable. OK. Tangent. Anyway! 


These are good! They are not as good as 13 Little Blue Envelopes, but they're still good. They are light, fun, and ask nothing of you and still manage to be engaging. Having gone to high school in NYC, they have maybe a special resonance with me. Anyway, read them! 


The Gunslinger (Dark Tower, Book I) - Stephen King


I know I just said that I was done with SK. I lied. He is like the guiltiest of all of my pleasures. And there's so fucking much of it - I've been reading this guy's shit since I was like 8 years old, and I still haven't got through half of it. I tried reading this one years and years ago, but pretty much abandoned it after the first five pages. This is slow-going, you guys. And cerebral. And kind of uh? I don't know. I didn't hate it or particularly like it. It was like a school assignment. I basically forced myself through it because apparently the later books in the series have a sick payoff. Here's hoping. I downloaded the second book but have only just started it, so I guess we'll see. I kind of feel like if you haven't already read this series, there's little chance you want to.


Skeleton Crew - Stephen King


I told you it was a guilty pleasure. I got this book for free at a flea market. It was marked $0.50, and they dude was like "yeah take it." This was like six months ago, and it sat buried under the mountain of unopened mail that is my dining room table. Obviously, I found it, and it made for a great bathroom book (what? like you don't have bathroom books?). It's a book of short stories, which really, this dude knows how to do. It's got The Mist in it, which I skipped because I read it standalone, and The Raft, which if you've ever seen Creepshow 2 about a million times (like I have), you are familar with that one as well. And the one about the hitman who swallows a cat that was in Tales From The Darkside. There's a lot of old pals in this one, is what I'm saying. 


War For The Oaks - Emma Bull


It's good-ish. It's got fae in it, and rock and roll, and has given me the phrase "Phouka, please" which I have absolutely worked into my vocabulary. It's a little dated, but not offensively so, and goes on a bit longer than I think it needs to  - but it's first novel, and a damn good show of one at that. Read it? If you like. I won't kill your family if you don't.

Dessert FourPlay: Sweet Quartets from a Four-Star Pastry Chef- Johnny Iuzzini

Yes, it's technically a cookbook, and yes, Iuzzini is a douchebag. This is still an amazing fucking display of pastry work, and it totally took me a week to read it, so I say it counts. And if you care at all about fine dining desserts and presentation, you should take a look. I mean, beet parfait. Seriously.


Cry Wolf (Alpha & Omega, Book 1) - Patricia Briggs
Hunting Ground (Alpha & Omega, Book 2) - Patricia Briggs


WEREWOLVES. Yes, more werewolves. But well written werewolves (alliteration like whoa), which is refreshing as hell. The covers will fucking embarrass the shit out of you if you have them in public, so best get the Kindle versions or, like, a book cozy. There's some crossover with the Mercy Thompson series, which I kind of love (the series, not the crossover - not that I hate the crossover, just ... you get it). If you've read that and like it, then you should read these. I'm not real rabid about suggesting them - ultimately, they're fluff, but I mean, show me a book that's about fucking werewolves that is not fluff. Fluff is good! But let's call a spade a spade, here.


I might be forgetting some. It's been a rough week. I have a few things on my dance card ... and I know you're eagerly awaiting the review of AB:VH Book 8: Blue Moon. I sure can't wait to write it! I'm driving very small nails into my forehead with anticipation. I'll get there. I haven't read Hit List yet, because my public library has a waiting list (WHAT THE FUCK), but you know, I'm sure it's the worst thing ever written.

pr0nz commin' @ ya like a beast in da nyte!!!1!!; or, what I've been up to

I can't explain the post title. I'm wacked out on cold medicine. That's really all I have.


I read Under The Dome. It was. Um. Here's our brief chat about it, because I don't think I want to talk about it anymore:

Dani:  Under The Dome? OK? A brief moment to congratulate myself on finishing a book that is something like 400,000 pages in less than a week. Then moving on to WTF WAS THAT?  I mean, it was kind of just … The Mist. With a dome instead of fog. And the inter-dimensional scary creatures being distant aliens instead of giant murderous insects, but like, the themes were the same. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! Take away daily necessities and it’s like Lord of the Flies! I  get it (and fell off the couch in agony when The Mist was actually REFERENCED in the book – like, 1) shut up, and 2) I don’t know if that was a ballsy or stupid move to acknowledge that he is aware that these stories are almost identical)       I dunno. I think I just get more uncomfortable with Stephen King’s capacity for genuine human scum-ery as I age gracelessly. I dunno if he’s ratcheting it up as HE gets older, but it sure feels like it.       And it was way heavy handed on the rape/assault/grossness front. Like, thanks, I get it, small town dudes (and dudettes, really) are all disgusting excuses for human beings. But MAN do you love hanging out with them.       /end rant

Jae: See, I never read The Mist. I don't think I've finished more than 2 or 3 SK novels, including UtD. And I probably won't be reading any more either. I feel like my pop culture reading cred is shot, but I can live with that.        The wrap-up/conclusion just made me angry. Aliens? That's what we went with? And spoiled baby aliens to boot? Yeahno. He gets no more of my money. Not that I've ever actually paid for his books, but the principle, you see, there is one.

Dani:  The Stand is worth it. It’s like his Ulysses, or something. And Needful Things, thought stupidly titled, is also up there (I think I hate the word ‘needful’ because I don’t feel like it should exist, but this is neither here nor there.)           But yeah. I think I’m over him. It did take me nearly 20 years to get there, which is a pretty good run.

So there's that.


I also read these other two books, because I was like, OK, it's time to buckle down a read a bonafide bodice-tearing (or whatever-tearing equivalent) romance novel - enough of them have been thrown at me for free at the Kindle store, so I might as well give it a go. It has been, seriously, fifteen years since I've read a romance. They are just not my thing. And I don't know what kind of romances I read in my youth, because these two? Homg. 


These novels? These are porn. I mean, straight up. Someone order a pizza.


There is this one, first of all. There's like, a plot? I guess? But it is obscured by all the fucking. There is a LOT of fucking. All kinds! All rodeo/western style! Threesomes, BDSM, M/M, oral, anal (twice!), you name it, it is being done to someone in a cowboy hat. Vigorously. The language is mostly plain (I don't think the word 'tumescent' appears even once) which is pretty impressive, considering it's literally 200 pages of tits and cock. So, good job! And apparently this is a series. Which is hilarious to me. But OK! I guess why bother creating new characters all the time if they're only going to be fucking. If you want some free literary porn, this is the one for you.


Then there's this one, which is also entirely about fucking. I actually didn't finish this one, and I'm not really sure I plan on it. There's only so many times I can read the phrase "slick channel" before I just puke everywhere. Seriously! Who says that?! 
There is also some vague semblance of a plot, but it's pretty irrelevant. The main male character book is actually terrifying, in a stalker-y/OCD/serial killer kind of way, and I'm almost positive he's not supposed to be. The female character is all blown away by how 'protective' he is and she is just soooo turned on by his "caveman" behavior, and I'm all OMG GET A FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER. 


IN ADDITION to those two wild rides, I read 13 Little Blue Envelopes, which I feel I shouldn't even be sullying by mentioning it in the same post as the above. It was precious! And GREAT. It deserves the full review treatment. I will get to it if Jae does not beat me to it.

OHAI.

My ability/desire to plough through books (trashy or other) waxes and wanes with no discernible pattern, so, suffice to say, I have not been reading a lot.

What I have been reading is The Mercedes Thompson Series, which is kind of like AB:VH but without all the rage-inducing miasma of suck. It’s about this lady who fixes cars and turns into a coyote. And was raised by werewolves. And gets into shit, like, a lot. Her vagina is not magical, which has become my top priority when being introduced to any protagonist in any work of fiction (or um, I guess non-fiction as well). There is no fucking; some implied romancey bits, but a WIDE departure from orgies every twelve pages. Refreshing! A story can be worth following without graphic sex! WHO KNEW.


Obviously everyone knew. And don’t get me wrong – there is a time and place for graphic sex. The world would be a duller place without it. But the entire premise of your book should 1) not rely solely on fucking, because that makes it porn, and lets call a spade a spade, shall we, and 2) not count on fucking to get you out of a plot hole, because thinking that people will forget the illogical clusterfuck you’ve just given us because of the whirling dervish of dicks and tits we now have to deal with is, frankly, insulting.

ANYWAY. Hello, tangent stick.

I realize I owe a recap of whatever godawful soul-numbing AB:VH book is next on the roster, and I’ll get there. Eventually. I swear.

Snuggles and kisses.

D