Clearly, I must be a masochist [Guilty Pleasures, AB:VH, Book 1]

Just for background: Urban Fantasy is not my favorite genre. Give me some epic Fantasy and I’m a happy camper. Six or more books in your series? 800+ pages per book? Dragons, swords, and magic? I AM ALL OVER THIS. But I do like vampire stories. And I really like werewolf stories. And, sweet mother of Christ, do I love fairy stories. Or faerie, if you prefer.

When I read Guilty Pleasures for the first time, some of it troubled me but it didn’t make me want to eat my own face off. Everything was just interesting enough to continue reading the series. The writing wasn’t great, but a lot of that is just the headvoice. Anita Blake has all the scholarly learning and emotional complexity of a febrile guinea pig. I blew through 16 of what was 18 books in 4 weeks. By book 6, I was pissed. By book 12, I had permanent RAGE FACE. It’s impossible to think about each book individually now because I know what’s coming next. And it isn’t pretty.

At any rate, Anita, oh Anita Blake. I wish, really wish, that I liked you. You are all sorts of things that I like. Bad-ass lady? Check. Majorly independent? Check. Weirdly idiosyncratic? Check. Plus, you raise zombies. WHY DON’T I LOVE YOU? I should be all with a case of puppy dog love. But somehow, all of these things together conspire to make me utterly loathe you. The bad-assedness, and the independence, and the penguins!!! Christ, you are trying SO HARD to make me feel sympathetic towards you whilst pretending not to give two shits about my opinion.The thing is, I like the world you live in. Vampires are citizens? You can become a shifter because of a bad vaccine? Zombie raising is an acceptable business venture? This is awesome. And a lot of the reason I’ve read all nineteen books. But instead it’s all about YOU. Which fine, whatever, the goddamn series is called Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter. But it’s written in your own POV, which I hate. Because your head is not a good place to be. You say things like “naw” which makes me want to body-slam a cactus. You talk about your clothes. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU COLOR MATCHING THE SWOOSH ON YOUR NIKES TO YOUR T-SHIRT. Socks are socks, and nobody cares if the stripe on the side is “tasteful”. IT’S A FUCKING SOCK. You have lived in St. Louis, presumably, for your whole life. Why are a penguin t-shirt and running shorts the only clothes you have to camouflage your guns in the summer? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL. And then, the penguins. I think the penguins are supposed to make you relatable. Like “I’m a bad-ass with 30 guns and I’m covered in scars but look! I collect stuffed penguins! Aren’t I cute? Don’t you want to be my friend?” NO, Anita Blake, YOU ARE NOT CUTE. And I would rather be friends with flesh-eating bacteria.

Since I’m supposed to be talking about Guilty Pleasures, here it is: Something is killing the vampires in St. Louis. And not just the ones on the bottom of the pecking order, but powerful vampires. Willie the vampire (what the fuck?) tries to hire Anita, known as The Executioner, to find out who or what is killing the bloodsuckers. She refuses but is coerced by Jean-Claude, super-supremo-sexy vampire, into accepting. Jean-Claude and Willie the Vampire are working on behalf of Nikolaos, who is Master Head Honcho Vampire Princess of St. Louis. Anita starts digging around, pisses off a lot of people, including Nikolaos, and raises a zombie. There is some fighting, an appearance by were-rats (holy fucking hell), then an undercover sting operation with a vampire-addicted stripper, some more fighting, BUILD-UP, more build-up, final fight scene, the end. Also, Jean-Claude starts the process of making Anita a human servant, which is like a super-special gold-star vampire lackey who has many of the strengths of a vampire and few of the weaknesses. Sounds like a sweet deal, but Anita is not happy. She never is, but this is especially sad-making for her. Even though, despite a one-thousand year old vampire trying very hard to make her dead, she is very much alive because of Jean-Claude and his vampire marks.

Go ahead and read it. But I’ll just say I told you so now.

Guilty Pleasures, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, Book 1

Note to editors: A garter belt is not the same thing as garters. Why someone would wear garter BELTS is beyond my comprehension. It sounds monstrously uncomfortable. And one person wears one leotard. Their legs are not covered in leotards. I guess you could layer them, but really, that makes no sense. Also, tireder? This is not acceptable. Not even in your own head.


Edited for formatting 

On finding the crux ... part II

Moving on.

I think my main issue with fiction written in first person is tenses. Most authors who write FP go for a kind of vague present-past (there is probably a literary term for this, but I go to culinary school) where the action is primarily assumed to be happening either right now or some hazy five-minutes-ago period. This stretches believability for me - it makes me think, for whatever reason, that this character is somehow taking time away from being a character to be a narrator in their own stories. I'm not sure I'm making myself clear, but this is the best I can explain it. The best stories written in FP, for me, establish when the story is taking place in relation to when the story is being narrated. Margaret Atwood, for example, pulls this off all the time, seamlessly. The story-telling feels natural, not forced and not muddled with stupid headvoices and their inescapable need to make stupid observations.

Headvoices, you know. The ultimate downfall of FP, and one of my major grievances with AB:VH. Anita Blake's headvoice is dumb (see blog tittle!). There is a reason people do not say every thought that pops into their brain - because no one is particularly interested in your white noise. If I spent my day talking like Anita Blake thinks, someone would surely put me out of my misery. LKH allows Blake to prattle on and on about shit that I don't care about, or shit she's already told me a million times, or most often, shit I don't care about AND she's told me a million times. I get it! Dolph never says goodbye on the phone! You are really into your Browning Hi-Power! Your shoulder holster chafes! YOU DON'T WEAR BASE, AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S CALLED "FOUNDATION" YOU DUMB TWAT.

You see? I'm raging just thinking about it. There are sentences in these books that genuinely make me want to burn everything she has ever written. She has this overwhelming need to repeat the most irritating turns of phrase (like ending any mention of her own much lauded smart-assery with "who me?") and most offensively, ANSWERING her own STUPID QUESTIONS. "Could it be? Naw." "Would I do that? Ri-ight." Yes. Yes "Ri-ight" [sic] shows up all the time. In some books, it's "Ri----ight." In others, it's "Riiiiight." Why would anyone do that? What about that obnoxious late 90's parlance would make anyone think it is okay to put that in a written work that does not feature David Spade?

Anita Blake's - despite her shallow yet frequent existential crises - biggest fan is herself. I've never met a more undeservedly self-involved main character. It's like the character is so self-involved that the rest of her fictional world is consumed by her gaping face hole like a fucking vacuum. It's hard to watch the potential of this series fall into that sucking abyss. For all her faults, LKH did manage to build an intriguing alternaverse. It's not a new idea by any stroke of the imagination, but there is enough nuance in her world to make it different and interesting. And yet? And yet. Everything she could have done with this world and these characters is more or less destroyed by the epic lameness of it's heroine/psycho cunt/sniveling pansy (depending on the book, you see, because although one of Blake's many favorite phrases is "At least I'm consistent" - the absolute opposite is true.)

So the big question becomes: Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Because I must. It's train wreck syndrome at it's finest. I also am pretty incapable of starting a series and not seeing it through to it's gory end. I did not seek this series out on purpose - it found me. A dear friend answered my request for some good and solid trashy book with Guilty Pleasures. Like, it's CALLED Guilty Pleasures. I would think it was almost a wink, but I can't give LKH that much credit. And it really does start off ... not great, but not offensively bad. It starts off like a silly and fun jaunt through a silly world with silly characters. There is no sex in the earlier books. None! They are a huge tease, because really, you pick up these books thinking they will be full of blood and sex and terrible dialogue. You get the blood and dialogue, but the sex isn't there. So you feel cheated, insistent that if you keep going, if you plow through just one more, your payoff will arrive all wrapped up in a leather harness and a ball gag. Well. You know. It does. But by the time it gets there, you realize this was all a horrible mistake and you are too far gone to turn back.

What does LKH do right? There are things. Some things. Her pacing is more or less spot on. If she could get past the redundancy and the headvoice, there would never be a dull moment in any of her stories. Like so many of her FP brethren, she gets caught up in unnecessary details, so will often spend too long talking about furniture (hello, Anne Rice! I have missed your 14 page love letters to an ottoman). I could get past it. When the sex does show up in full frontal force, it is ... surprisingly ... not badly written. There are - I won't so "no" but - very few corny adjectives or euphemisms like I was wholly expecting. They don't ramble on, but they're not exactly clipped. They last as long as they need to. And you know how some sex scenes in books practically radiate the discomfort and awkwardness of the author? Hers do not. She is confident in that, at least.

Otherwise? Uh. Right.

I'm sure I've already made clear that I'm, at this moment, only halfway through the series. I may be forced to redact some or all of the above once I get through the whole thing. After having glimpsed the wiki for her already-ridiculous variety of were-animals, I am pretty sure things will only get worse. My plan is to hold on to my rage for as long as possible, because once I just start accepting all of this bullshit I'm being thrown, I will see no other recourse but to hang up my hat and blow my fucking head off.

So! Audience of none! The ultimate question is: should you read this series?

...

Are you fucking stupid? Have you learned nothing? KEEP YOUR PURITY AND RUN, FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Look, I have a dragon! [Star Of The Morning]

Just finished reading Star of the Morning by Lynn Kurland. A straight up fantasy novel, my favorite kind. No vampires or werewolves. Which, honestly? A relief. No angsty bloodsuckers and overly aggressive shifters? That’s awesome. I needed a break from those douche bags. Especially if I’m going to start working my way through AB:VH again.

The basic story goes as such: Dude (King of someplace with a funny name) is attacked by something and loses his ability to use magic and his magic sword (this is not a euphemism, it really is a magic sword). Dude has another magic sword (if it was a euphemism, I don’t know if I would be thrilled or appalled, but that’s beside the point) and he needs to find someone who can wield it. Dude’s brother, Chief Magic Man, sends Dude on a Quest to find the wielder. Enter Lady Mercenary who is sent on her own Quest to bring Dude a magic dagger (yes really, a magic dagger). And then: QUESTING. At some point, Dude (traveling incognito) and Lady Mercenary (with her gang of Mercenary Bro’s) meet up. Followed by: MORE QUESTING. Chief Magic Man (also incognito) eventually goes off to find his brother who has been gone for a couple of months. He finds the not-so-happy group, sees Lady Mercenary, is all OMG Yur beeyootiful, and joins the Quest. Now with MORE QUESTING. Plus, a LOVE STORY. Also: CLIFFHANGER. And a DRAGON.

If you like fantasy with some romance thrown in, give this a whirl. There is no naked business in the story and I doubt anybody’s nether regions will come into view, but hey, I’ve been surprised by that stuff before. The dialogue is pretty well written and the main characters are mostly interesting but there isn’t always a lot in the way of self-reflection, so sometimes they (and the secondary characters) come off a little flat. The fight scenes are extremely vague, but I’d rather vagueness than 6000 pages of battle scenes. There is some descriptive scenery but not really a lot of world building. Keeping the names of kingdoms and cities gets a little tough, but maybe that’s because there is no map. And maps of PLACES THAT DON’T EXIST are extremely helpful. What kind of fantasy doesn’t have a map? But there are a couple of anthologies with stories that are set in this world, so maybe I just need to read those first? Or maybe all the background info is going to be gradually introduced because it’s a series and it’s the first proper book. Whichever, I’m reading the next one once the Kindle price drops, because when I checked it was $11.99.

Series info: Star of the Morning, The Nine Kingdoms, Book 1

http://www.amazon.com/Star-Morning-Berkley-Sensation-Kurland/dp/0425238229/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294194109&sr=8-1

Tuesday email chain

Dani: I started the review for Laughing Corpse, but was focusing on my magnum opus, which is a kind of general overview of why I love/hate this series as a whole, thus far. It’s kind of turning into an angry manifesto, but I’m just letting it go where it needs to.

I think after I finish Obsidian Butterfly, I am going to take a break from her. I’m starting to lose my shit. I swear when I read the sentence “there is not much they can do to chicken to make it uneatable” I almost broke the Kindle in half.

Janet: But Obsidian Butterfly is where it starts getting ultra. Ultra what, I don't know, but it's certainly spectacular. I'm with you on the magnum opus though. It's harder to think about the books separately than in aggregate. Like, GP isn't HORRIBLE but it sure as shit ain't good. But knowing what's coming actually makes the beginning of the series seem like a paragon of good taste and superior storytelling. (Now I will be looking out for "uneatable chicken" HOW DO I NOT REMEMBER THIS?) I don't know how I actually feel about it anymore.

Dani: She uses “eatable” or “un-“ at LEAST three times that I can remember. It’s UNBEARABLE, JANET.

I thought the one right before O.B. (I don’t even remember the names anymore, honestly, they just blend) was where it got ultra. I was seriously saying WHAT THE FUCK like every 10 minutes. With the leopards! And the sex healing! And the TRIUM-FUCKING-VIRATE (you did not lie – I now hate that word) My cats were terrified of me. It gets worse than this? I will die.
I’m with you on the earlier books, and I’m not even half way through. Re-skimming LC is like breath of … I won’t say fresh air, but less fetid air. Hey, remember when the main character made sense, kind of? Good times.

Janet: I feel like I really need to check it out from the library. Just to make sure. Because I ran across some weird grammar in GP that make me go "wha?". So I kind of keep hoping that it's just the formatting on the copies I have, but I know when I checked out "Divine Misdemeanors" (from the Merry Gentry series) I was kind of floored by the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE editing. Does it really start before OB? I thought it was the book after. But the LEOPARDS!! OMG. JUST FUCKING WAIT until she gets to the rest of the goddamn zoo. (I will say that I love Nathaniel later in the series)

Dani: I have just gotten to the jaguars, and I was so resigned that all I could do was be like … of course, jaguars, OF COURSE. OB is almost dull thus far in the WTF department, which would be relieving if it weren’t for the grammar/spelling problems that are making me rage.

Nathaniel is … (one of) the little submissive leopard people, yeah? I am honestly losing track. There were so many ridiculous tertiary characters in the last book -- all with equally stupid names -- that I have pretty much given up on trying to differentiate.

Janet: Yeah, Nathaniel is a submissive leopard (and writing that sentence made my head explode) but later in the books, I don't know why, I LOVE him. It might be the pearls. I know a lot of AB fans loathe him, but he makes my insides go "SQUEEEE". But, ugh, leopards. Then pandas, penguins, and Thompson's gazelles. This is a joke, but there are swans, so why the fuck not a penguin?

Dani: Submissive Leopard = my new band name. Seriously, I’m crying. AND I want to be a were-penguin.

THE SWAN GUY. OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HIM. Um. Another stupid name. Um. I want to say, like, Rochester, but that is not it.

Kaspar. It’s Kaspar. I fucking Googled “wereswan” and got this page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shapeshifter_(Anita_Blake_mythology)#Wereswans

Someone wrote that! Someone! Sat! Down! And! Wrote! That! (facepalm)


Janet: HOLY CRAP!

I've glanced at the AB wiki but there is a separate wiki just for the were's?  THAT'S AMAZING. Although, I would not be surprised if it was LKH. 

I'm pretty sure that LKH is a BDSM'er (actually this is complete conjecture and based on zero facts whatsoever) and maybe she thinks that these weird ultra-german names make everything sound like black leather. Kaspar. Dolph. BERT. If I could type a german accent I would.

Can you imagine a werepenguin? How awesome would that be? Make Joe draw one. And then we can get tattoos.

Dani: WERE-PENGUINS TATTOOS, HOLLA. 

Dude, I have so many ideas about LKH that are all complete conjecture but I’m absolutely convinced are true. Her being into BDSM is the kindest of all of them. And you know she’s a bottom but totally wants to be a top. I want to have a cocktail with her. I might have to slap her once to get it out of my system, but I really just want to sit down with her and be like WHAT THE FUCK WITH YOU, LADY.

All of her crazy/dumb exotic names are like … the kind you can’t say without either having GUSTO or, are German. Like OLAF! I have recently been introduced to Olaf and I hate both his name and her development of his character more than anything.

On finding the crux, or why I hate AB:VH in 5000 words or less

Official Kindle ownership sorted; celebrated by spending 3.5 of the four days I had off absolutely cut off from all communication with the entire world apart from occasional nods to my husband and occasionally feeding my cats. Nice fuh me.

Over the long weekend, I finished books five through most-of-nine of the AB:VH series, treating this task as something to be endured and put behind me as quickly as possible. I am not savoring these books, you guys. I am speeding through them with frequent twitching and very frequent mutterings of “seriously?” and “what the bleeding fuck” to my empty living room.

Before I unleash my recap/review of Book 2, I wanted to try and put out there exactly why I have a barely-love/mostly-hate relationship with this series. Bear with me on this one, it could get messy.

Let’s start with the character of Anita Blake, whom as I get further and further along have realized is not so much a real character but simply a projection of what the author’s, like, fantasy life would be. LKH didn’t really invent Anita Blake – Blake is just a super-maxed version of everything LKH wants to be, and it is obvious enough to be embarrassing; especially since the character is so ridiculously flawed in both personality AND execution. It’s narcissistic, but kind of pathetically so.

Like, I get that this character is the center of the story. I understand that these are tales spun to me in that glorious First Person voice (more on that later) of this character, so yes, of course it is going to be All Her All The Time, and of course she (as a character) is going to feel that it certainly should be that way. What bothers me is that every other character, great or small, seems to feel the exact same way. I can believe in this alternate universe of vampires and were-fucking-everythings. I can believe in the completely-not-real details of this world, of these people in it, their politics and laws. It is called suspension of disbelief, and it is what you expect out of any piece of fiction. What strains my suspension is not the zombie raising or the black magic or the unnecessary overuse of fake words – it’s the concept that not one single inhabitant of this story has mild or neutral feelings towards the main character. Every person or –thing that crosses her path is either hopelessly in love/lust with her, thinks she’s the second coming of Bad Ass Murder Christ, or hates her with a passion … that burns in their loins. It doesn’t make sense. She has not been fleshed out enough as character to be remotely that compelling, even just to other characters. She wears polo shirts, like, a lot! No one who wears that many polo shirts is that fucking attractive!

And she continues to get more and more ridiculous as the series goes on. Now she’s a necromancer! Now she’s a witch!  Now she controls the shapeshifters with nothing but her unmitigated powers of SHEER AWESOMENESS. It feels like a cop-out. It feels like LKH has made this woman some kind of preternatural (yet human! Still human! LEST WE FORGET) superwoman because she’s too goddamn lazy to figure out a way to explain how Anita Blake could possibly A) still be alive, and more importantly B) why anyone should actually give a shit.

[to be continued ... ]