Black Lament by Christina Henry

Inevitable spoilers for books 1-3 ahead, go away if you wish to read those with some element of surprise.

photo via author website

As an Agent of Death, Madeline Black deals with loss every day. But when tragedy touches her own life, Maddy will have to find the strength within to carry on… 

Devastated and grieving, Maddy unexpectedly finds hope with the discovery that she is pregnant. But Maddy’s joy is short lived when Lucifer informs her that he wants the baby, hoping to draw on the combined power of two of his bloodlines. Maddy is determined that her grandfather will never have her child, but she’s not sure what she can do to stop him. 

Being pregnant is stressful enough, but Maddy suddenly finds herself at odds with the Agency—forbidden from meddling in the affairs of the supernatural courts. When a few of her soul collections go awry, Maddy begins to suspect that the Agency wants to terminate her employment. They should know by now that she isn’t the sort to give up without a fight…

synopsis via Goodreads

So, like, all of the books are fun, with plenty of action and occasional hilarity. But they aren't really very deep, both in content matter and in characterization (which is totally fine, I like fluffy books). This book feels particularly shallow because Maddy's husband was murdered but her grief never feels authentic (not that there is a right way and a wrong way to grieve or feel grief IRL but this is fiction, the rules, they be different). It's been only a couple of weeks since Gabriel died and she's just found out she's pregnant and her sadness feels like so much lip service.  "I am sad" is really not a sufficient portrayal of sadness. Realistically though, emotional depth has never been the strength of this series. The romantical aspect was definitely under-fed in the previous books so it makes a sort-of weird sense that the other emotional aspects have been neglected here? At least it's consistent.

As a whole, it's written competently and is paced well (the pace, btw, is FAST). The end wraps up a little bit too quickly, but it's neither super-predictable nor zany-out-there.The dudely love interests (for lack of a better term) sound pretty foxy and even though we get a Sassy Best Friend, Beezle (Maddy's pet/best friend/gargoyle) is neither red-haired nor human and manages to evade being quite a cliché. The weird pregnancy-detecting fallen angel skillz were pretty creepy and hitting on a pregnant lady whose husband has just died is in pretty bad taste, but over-all another solid entry into the Black Wings series.

Read this if you like very fluffy Urban Fantasy that's heavy on witty dialogue and light on emotional investment.

Black Lament by Christina Henry
Series: Black Wings
Previous book: Black Howl  Next book: Black City (forthcoming Feb-2013)
P.O.V. Third person
Language: Mostly clean, maybe a couple of f-bombs? I don't exactly recall
Sexxxoring: There was a super-vague dream-thing but otherwise ZERO
Where from? Borrowed from das Library

Judy Blume - Summer Sisters

CALIBRE IS GREAT, THEY SAID.
SURELY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN STARING AT THAT SCREEN FOR LIKE AN HOUR, THEY SAID.
NO IT WILL NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE IT'S 1998, THEY SAID.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING ON THE FLOOR, THEY SAID.

------

So I'm dealing with this; this Calibre thing that Jae totally understands/loves/might as well just marry and I just keep looking at it dubiously, like who are you and why can't I make categories on you, why are you genuinely consuming my entire night just loading my shit, and don't even think about turning this around and making it about the actual volume of shit I have so shut up seriously.

While that's happening, I will tell you about a book I read. I do this never, on my shared book blog, so obviously this is important.

Judy Blume - Summer Sisters

I guess I'm super late to the party on this one -  it was published in the halcyon days of 2003. This probably would have changed my life had I read it in 2003, but reading it in 2012 was more "nice evening in, please hold the sonnets decreeing it's greatness." It's a lovely book, but I'm pretty sure Judy Blume's life-changing capabilities fade entirely after your 23rd birthday or something. It's in your DNA, like those weird cell phone noises that only children can hear. Some things, you just age out of.

Regardless, I was feeling nostalgic and starting plowing through a boatload of JB's catalog (Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself was always my favorite, I know, who am I, what have I done with general consensus, but oh my god those letters to !!!Hitler In Disguise!!! fucking kill me) and this was thrown in the mix because I almost never remember the titles of books I've read. I assumed I had read it, with the rest. I had not. And it's pretty damn amazing.

It's one of her adult novels (not adult like porn, adult like probably don't give this to your 8 year old). It's about these BFFs (kind of? like not my definition of BFF but clearly someone's?), and their lives basically from age 12 through eternity. Whatever, here's the summary, I'm terrible at this:

In the summer of 1977, Victoria Leonard's world changed forever—when Caitlin Somers chose her as a friend. Dazzling, reckless Caitlin welcomed Vix into the heart of her sprawling, eccentric family, opening doors to a world of unimaginable privilege, sweeping her away to vacations on Martha's Vineyard, a magical, wind-blown island where two friends became summer sisters. . . .

Now, years later, Vix is working in New York City. Caitlin is getting married on the Vineyard. And the early magic of their long, complicated friendship has faded. But Caitlin has begged Vix to come to her wedding, to be her maid of honor. And Vix knows that she will go—for the friend whose casual betrayals she remembers all too well. Because Vix wants to understand what happened during that last shattering summer. And, after all these years, she needs to know why her best friend—her summer sister—still has the power to break her heart....

Why do all summaries end with an ellipsis? I mean, I guess I know technically why, but it's still irritating as all fuck.

And this kind of sounds awful! Don't listen to the saccharine synopsis. There is some deep shit buried in this book. And scissoring! Honestly! THERE IS SCISSORING, OK.

Blume is basically the master of relateable adolescent girl stories. It's why she's such a hit with the YA set -- it's like someone sucked the awkward insanity out of a 12 year old's head and made sense of it in a way that understandable, hilarious, absurd, and sad. This book has SO MUCH of all of those things. You will laugh, you will cry, etc. The relationship between Vix and Caitlin is so tragic and awful, and I feel like most ladies have had at some point a friendship that was just that intense and inevitably doomed for it.

FOR THE RECORD: Minus the scissoring. I get that it's a thing and surely happens amongst pre-teen/who the fuck am I/what is sex/etc girls, but also does NOT happen with the same frequency, and let's just take a moment to recognize that there are all kinds and all of them are fine. THAT SAID: some of these paragraphs made me keenly uncomfortable in a way that has probably everything to do with my own hang-ups, but come on, I am basically reading a sex scene between 12 year old girls and that is weird, there I said it.

Read this book! Totally read it. It will take you like 4 hours, not even. And your library has it. Right now. There are characters named Bru, Von, and Lamb (for gods sake) which are all genuinely stupid and I didn't even care, that's how much I enjoyed this book. So read it, and then we can talk about the The Power, which is such a bizarre concept that I can't even tell you about it.

Hey, guess what! Calibre's done. I'm going to go pretend like I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Down to You by M. Leighton

Amazon recommended this to me because I bought everything Tammara Webber has written (you should definitely read all of her stuff, it’s pretty great).

The scorching tale of one girl, two brothers and a love triangle…that’s not.

Olivia Townsend is nothing special. She’s just a girl working her way through college so she can return home to help her father run his business. She’s determined not to be the second woman in his life to abandon him, even if it means putting her own life on hold. To Olivia, it’s clear what she must do. Plain and simple. Black and white.

But clear becomes complicated when she meets Cash and Nash Davenport. They’re brothers. Twins. Cash is everything she’s always wanted in a guy. He’s a dangerous, sexy bad boy who wants her in his bed at any cost. He turns her insides to mush and, with just one kiss, makes her forget why he’s no good for her.

Nash is everything she’s ever needed in a guy. He’s successful, responsible and intensely passionate. But he’s taken. Very taken, by none other than Marissa, Liv’s rich, beautiful cousin. That doesn’t stop Olivia from melting every time he looks at her, though. With just one touch, he makes her forget why they can never be together.

Black and white turns to shades of gray when Olivia discovers the boys are hiding something, something that should make her run as far and as fast as she can. But it’s too late to run. Olivia’s already involved. And in love. With both of them.

Both brothers make her heart tremble. Both brothers set her body on fire. 
She wants them both. And they want her.

How will she ever choose between them?

(via Goodreads)

Ignore the first 2 parts of the synopsis, just about everything that wasn’t related to the main characters fucking/thinking about fucking/trying to fuck was glossed over. And since it wasn’t erotica, a plot would have been nice. And since there wasn’t a plot, more than a token attempt at character development could have been made. Olivia never learns anything/grows up/has an epiphany/does anything but whine about how much she likes these boys/can never have these boys. And Cash/Nash are never developed beyond their super-secret secret, which didn’t even come into play until at least halfway through the book.

And hooray for manufactured conflict, Olivia’s ex-boyfriend was a bad boy and he hurt her feelings so she’s sworn off bad boys forever.  Yeah sure, having your heart broken sucks balls, but here’s a protip: just because a boy has tattoos doesn’t make him bad. BEING AN ASSHOLE WHO CHEATS ON HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND makes him bad.  Also, guys in suits are not necessarily good guys either.

There were few terrible grammar/editing distractions and the story was well-paced (mostly). The author was definitely heavy-handed with the exclamation points and italics but that’s more a style issue than anything else (reading about people who are that excited! about! everything! was exhausting). I will admit that this was kind of compulsively readable; I almost missed my bus stop because I was reading. The dudes were super foxy and the sex scenes were pretty steamy. However, and this is a BIG however, the last quarter of the book takes a sharp turn from oh-this-is-mildly-entertaining to holy-shit-WTF. And then the epilogue crashes into now-this-is-a-suspense-novel-what-the-hell and surprise-there’s a-sequel!

Should you read this? If you like reading about people who are magnificent jerks and you’ve got a couple of free hours and don’t need to go to the dentist or something, sure. If the ending wasn’t so utterly bizarro, I’d have left off the caveat about the dentist. Regardless, I’m glad I borrowed this and didn’t use the last of the Amazon gift card I’ve been saving for a rainy day.

Down to You by M. Leighton

Series: As yet untitled

Next book in series: To be announced

P.O.V.: First person, present; alternating narrators

Language: Salty

Sexy business: Plenty and semi-graphic

The Demon's Librarian by Lilith Saintcrow

I just glommed the Dante Valentine series by Lilith Saintcrow a couple of weeks ago. Since I mostly liked it, I went ahead and bought this book and also the Jill Kismet series which just happens to be available on Kindle for $9.99 if you pre-order it (yes, all five books).

Demons are preying on schoolchildren in her city, so Francesca Barnes does what any red-blooded librarian would do-she does some research and goes hunting. But the books she finds in a secret cache don't tell her the whole story. Chess has no idea what she's just stepped into or just how special she is. Orion is Drakul, part demon, and a loyal servant of the Order. He doesn't expect a motorcycle-riding librarian to be messing around with demonic forces, and he doesn't expect her to smell so damn good. But Ryan's got bigger problems. His partner has disappeared, and the forces of Darkness are rising. Now Chess is Ryan's only hope of finding his partner, and Ryan is Chess's only hope of survival because the demons now know Chess exists and that she is the heir to a long-lost power that could push back their dark tide. If Ryan can keep her alive long enough, she just might be the key to destroying the demons completely. But Ryan doesn't know he's been betrayed by the very Order he serves. And if Chess does, by some miracle survive, he won't ever be able to touch her again. . .

(synopsis via Goodreads)

So! Librarians, secret books, demon hunters, mysterious order protecting us poor little humans, a little romance, everything about this story sounds awesome, right? Well, not quite. It’s good but never quite makes the leap into amazing. Chess is a likeable protagonist, she’s smart (a librarian!), she’s feisty (but not that absurd-feisty that too many UF lady-protagonists tends towards), she’s pretty brave, she’s independent. Although sometimes she’s a little too independent for someone who’s only killed one demon and who now has a certified demon-hunter at her beck and call.

Ryan sounds super foxy and he’s definitely a good guy to have in your corner, what with the super strength and healing abilities, but I am not a fan of the mate-instinct that we got to deal with when Ryan’s POV was at the forefront.  I got a little tired of the but she’s so pretty and she smells so nice! This must be Twue Wuv! Also, things could be a little scary from his perspective because he was fighting his instincts (read: major boner) all the time.  And he goes from “You give me a boner” to “I love you forever” really damn quickly.

On the other hand, the romance was almost totally undeveloped on Chess’ side, because she spent most of the book going “Fuck, demons! This is scary, run, no, fight, wait, I have a knife!” and passing out and only very occasionally “That Ryan guy is a little scary, but he’s kinda good looking”.  

There isn’t much in the way of world-building since it’s basically just real world + demons but there’s enough to make it convincing. It’s a bit of a shame because Lilith Saintcrow is a master world-builder (seriously, the world-building aspect of her Dante Valentine series is mind-blowing).  

Final Reckoning

Read this? Sure, why not. It’s entertaining and over quickly.  I realize that isn’t quite a ringing endorsement but I would have liked it better if there were a couple of follow-ups (or even just one) because the epilogue was kind of ridiculous. It reads like a first entry in a series, right up until the epilogue, where things get wrapped way too neatly, but it’s a stand-alone.  It’s kind of hard to categorize too, since it’s PNR from Ryan’s POV and UF from Chess’ POV.  It was at least worth the 7 bucks I paid.

The Demon’s Librarian by Lilith Saintcrow

Series: n/a

P.O.V: Third person, past;  alternating perspective

Language: Mostly clean with a few dingers

Sexxxoring: Zero action, lots of (mental) talk

Coming Undone by Lauren Dane

I would apologize for the long interval between this post and my last, but I’m not really all that sorry, I’ve had an eventful 7 months. But none of the two people who read this blog care to hear my personal woes (if you do, I LOVE TO SHARE [that is a lie but I do love to complain!]).

 “After his parents' death, Brody gave up a promising career to care for his family. Now, with his siblings grown, Brody owns his own business, and for the first time in years he's alone. Elise has come to Seattle with her daughter to find peace. After years as a world-famous ballerina-and trapped in a marriage gone bad-she's looking for neither love nor attention. But she finds both in the handsome, honest man who befriends her with no strings attached.

Brody and Elise discover in each other the wild, physical passion they need. But it'll take a shadow from Elise's past to make them look beyond what they need-to what they truly desire.

                  (via Goodreads)

The story is fine, it’s about more than just Brody and Elise fucking each other’s brains out. They’ve both been burned romantically, but they aren’t exclaiming “I will never love again” and there’s a sub-plot for some narrative tension. They don’t quite fall victim to insta-love but their relationship develops over a reasonable period of time. As a whole, the story is pretty  believable (except maybe for the legal what-have-you, but I’m not a lawyer, what do I know).

The major problem I had with this book is that these people talk a lot. Like, A LOT. No one can answer a question without explaining the shit out of it. It makes the flow of conversation really disjointed because when someone asks a question, the person answering answers the next 3 or 4 questions that might follow up. F’rex: 

“Where’s your little girl?” Brody asked

…

“She’s, um, out in the backyard. She’s doing this soccer day camp thing this summer and loving it. We set up a net so she’s kicking goals over and over. Which, well, let’s be honest, is awesome for me because it runs her down and there’s no three-hour battle to get her to sleep. She’s pretty high-energy.” She paused and laughed. “That’s a nice way of saying she’s hyper.”

That is WEIRD, you guys. “In the backyard, playing soccer” would have been a perfectly acceptable response.  And the sex talk is kind of out of control. I’m all for dirty-talk but by the middle of the book I was skimming the sex scenes because it all sounded more porn-sexy than actual-sex-sexy.

“Yeah. So fuck me. Come inside me before I die right here stuffed with you.”
 Oh. Well. He liked dirty talk too. Especially from her lips. Good god. “Pick up the pace then. Ride me hard so your tits jiggle.”*

Um, whut? Is there a camera in there? Personal preference, yadda yadda, but it’s all like that and I am not a fan.

So anyway, I guess it’s decent, I think it’s just that Lauren Dane’s writing style is very obvious. Despite what should be a least a little emotionally investing, I never felt connected to the characters. Everything seemed to happen just on the surface. On a positive note, all the people in this book sound foxy as hell. So that's something. Also, if you've read the previous entry in this series, you'll (probably?) be glad to see Erin, Todd, and Ben (nontraditional relationships, ftw!). 

This is the 3^rd book of Lauren Dane’s that I’ve read and they’re all very similar in style. If you don’t mind a lack of depth and you like really porn-y sex, by all means read this. Otherwise, go read some Megan Hart. (I feel a little bad about recommending one over the other because they seem to be friends IRL, but there you go.)

*this quote is from the end of the book, mostly because I didn't want to go searching for something that occurred earlier

Series: The Brown Siblings, book 2

Previous book in series: Laid Bare

Next book in series: Inside Out

P.O.V.: Third person

Language: Pretty darn dirty

Sexxxoring: A LOT

WHAT. Stop it.

Jae just told me she was also about to post something. IT IS CHRISTMAS FOR YOU, YOU GUYS.

--------------

Hey! We’re alive! Did you know? Because I wasn’t 100% sure myself.

No, we’re totally alive, and Jae is still totally reading 900 books a day on topics ranging from dragons to vaginas to dragon vaginas* and I'm still taking six months to get through fucking Westeros. God, fuck Westeros so much.

I've been "away" forever because reasons. I did really want to do a total revamp and get an honest-to-god dot com and everything, and I tried! I really tried! But I had so many problems with importing the blog and like, webby, texty, codey stuff, that I basically just shut down, wept, and did not even want to look at anything. I used to be good at that sort of thing! In 2002. Yeah. Web design? Has changed. In ten years. Whoda thunk.

I guess my existential crisis is over (ha, ha, ha) because I do want to do something with this blog again. I just ordered a box of 35 (!) Sweet Valley High books (!!!!) and that shit is going to need to go somewhere. I don't know in what format or how, but I'm predicting ridiculously high levels of awesome.

Oh, while I was away, I did in fact read all of the Meredith Gentry series by our titular buddy LKH and here are my reviews:

Book 1: Fairies, torture, fucking

Book 2: Torture, fucking, fairies

Book 3: Fucking, fucking, fairies, title character completes metamorphosis to Mary Sue

Book 4: Fucking, torture, incest, rape, wait wtf?

Book 5: Unbearable. Just unbearable.

Book 6: what is this i can't even

Book 7: If you say the words "and thicker things" one more fucking time, I WILL CHOKE ON MY OWN VOMIT

There, I did something.

Back soon! Possibly with Jessica and Elizabeth. Oh stop. I know you're excited.

* if there is actually a book about dragon vaginas, someone needs to let me know ASAP

When She Woke by Hillary Jordan

So! It's been a while since I've posted. Sorry about that. I've been too busy reading to write anything. Plus, January was a weird month, reading-wise. Everything seemed to be either super awesome or buh-oring with very little in between. I managed to finish every book I started (with one exception) but a few books took me weeks to finish because I just couldn't concentrate on them.

When She Woke is based on The Scarlet Letter. It's set in a Big Brother-ish* future, one that seems more than possible (way more possible than I am comfortable with), where democracy and theocracy in the US have twined together, setting the tenets of one religion over all others (which religion? You get three guesses and two of them don't count). In this future, abortion is now out-and-out illegal (not just more and more difficult to access) and instead of housing convicts in expensive prisons,  a process called melachroming changes a person's skin color based on their crime and then the person is set free (sort-of, it's more complicated than that, but words, there are too many). The narrator, Hannah Payne, after having been tried and convicted of "fetal murder", is sentenced to 10 years as a Red. The father of her almost-baby is a high muckity-muck in her church and Hannah has refused to name him, a decision that added years to her sentence.

Hannah was raised in an evangelical Christian household and the challenges to her faith comprised a great deal of the story. Her recollections of her life show that things happen to her as opposed to her making her own choices. Even though  she was a naturally inquisitive child and asked a lot of questions that were difficult to answer without an "Because god said so", she managed to convince herself that her affair with the married minister happened because...Jesus. Seems weird, but I can understand that it's easy to justify doing what you want if the decision never in your hands. It was mostly satisfying to see her become more self-sufficient and aware of her own motivations and beliefs but the story takes place over a pretty short period of time and she doesn't quite get where I want her to be.

The story is about more than Hannah though, it's a commentary about prejudice. Chromes are subject to wide-spread hatred; violence against a Chrome is nearly always ignored, both by regular citizens and by law enforcement. The women especially are prone to sexual violence. It's difficult to get a job, find housing, even use a public restroom if your skin is Red, Green, Yellow, or Blue. And while it would have been easy for the author to make racial prejudice disappear, there is an effort to confront that. There is also an effort to address Queer issues, but I don't think it was handled well. It felt more like "Inclusivity, we got it!" than anything else.

*Convicts are subject to a 30-day prison stay, during which all of their activities are nationally broadcast. I'll admit I don't quite understand how this voyeurism fits into the story, unless it's to drive home that Chromes aren't really considered people and have no real rights. 


Final Reckoning

Should you read this? Yes, overall, I think this was a pretty good book. Until the last quarter or so, where it takes a bizarre turn that detracted from the strength of the story. I would like to recommend it unreservedly but the ending made me glad I got it from the library.

Buy It . Borrow It . Skip It

When She Woke by Hillary Jordan
Series: n/a
P.O.V.: First person, past; single narrator
Language: Fairly clean

It's more Speculative Fiction than Fantasy, but I don't feel like starting a new tag

I read this, and other things.

So! I’ve read some books in the past, what … 6 months. Eight months? My laziness actually extends to the point that I don’t even want to check. But I have read books, and I will talk about them in a minute, swearsies.

I am planning on overhauling this extension of a bloated ego … I mean, blog … in the somewhat near future. I realized at some point during my extended sabbatical from book reviews that I was on an extended sabbatical from book reviews because I suck at writing them. When I suck at writing something, I tend to not do it (obv!). And while I still love the concept of tearing apart Laurell K Hamilton in a public forum (MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DO THIS), it has been a long enough time since I read those horrific books that the idea of going back to them and destroying them in minute detail feels more daunting than enjoyable. Like, who am I punishing here? Ah yes. Myself. The whole situation is completely sideways.  I have already suffered by reading them. The pleasure I would get from shitting all over them would not outweigh the torture of having to go through them a second time. You see what I’m saying.

Jae, however, is really good at book reviews! So she will totally still do that as much as she wants to. The concept for the new blog is more esoteric than book reviews. It’s more just another Shit We Dig kind of premise, which is not original, and I don’t care. My schedule is relentless through the end of March, so I don’t think I’ll make any real progress on the revamp until after graduation (WHAT.) But I’m looking forward to messing with it and you know, just an FYI, the winds of change are blowing, et cetera.

Those books I read! These are absolutely in no discernible order. Check it:

ReadyPlayer One (Ernest Cline) – I could have sworn Jae already reviewed this, but I guess not? She definitely told me to read it. And I did, after, whatever, 19 weeks of thinking about it. YOU GUYS. I’m a doucebag. This book is fucking amazing. Why haven’t you read it yet? Do I need to harangue you for 19 weeks? I will absolutely do that. It’s about this dude who lives in the future, and shit is bleak. There’s a total immersion virtual utopia called OASIS (shades of the metaverse, which I kept thinking, until the metaverse was actually referenced in the book and I’m like WELL PLAYED, SIR) where said dude spends 90% of his time, because real life sucks and the planet is dying and he lives in a van (kind of) not even down by a river.  A Steve Jobs-type dude [the one who invented the OASIS] kicks it and leaves his entire fortune up for grabs to whomever can solve an elaborate easter egg hunt inside the OASIS. There are like forty million 80s pop culture references, which you will enjoy the fuck out of if you have even a tiny shred of nostalgia/love for the 80s. Honestly, read this book. It is one of the best ones I’ve picked up in years.

TheNight Circus (Erin Morgenstern) – For once, there is actually a good reason for a book to be on the best seller lists. Jae already reviewed this. I agree with all of it. It’s been a long time since a book actively made me wish its reality was my own. I want to be a reveur so bad. And dude! This book made me so hungry. The descriptions of food were absolutely RIDIC. I think I’m going to dedicate a day to actually trying to make some of the things described in this book. Chocolate mice! Black & white popcorn! Oh god.

11/22/63:A Novel (Steven King) – I picked this up with some serious misgivings. I hated Under The Dome [which I heard is getting a mini-series, and ugh SHUT UP] and I felt like this was going to be another 4000 pages of unnecessary brutality and 15 page character portraits for people I don’t give a shit about. However! I was pleasantly surprised. A dude discovers a time portal in the pantry of a diner (LIKE YOU DO) and every time he walks through it, it is 11 o’clock in the morning on September 2, 1958. Every time he walks through, time resets. The cook who owns the diner has bought and served the same 10lbs of meat like 500 times. Right, I know, WTF. Anyway, the premise of the story is that the dude (Jake) is going to go through the portal and live in the past, working his way up to stopping the execution of JFK in 1963. There are the requisite million nuances of time travel, and the butterfly effect, and all sorts of wacky/weird shit you get with this classic scifi trope. The book is really, really well written. The characters are, you know, fine – standard Stephen King “Good People” and “Bad People.” The pacing is spot on. It’s a pretty hefty book but I breezed through it in like a week. Definitely check this one out – it’s probably his best one in at least the past 10 years.

DarkEarth (Jason Halstead) – This is still free for Kindle, so if you want to pick it up, you should get cracking. This one was? Weird? Kinda? I didn’t really know what it was about when I started reading it, and it starts off as a sort of Lifetime movie-ish yarn about a single dad and his teenage daughter living an uncomplicated life in the Great Lakes area woods. At some point it turns into a fantasy novel with witches and werewolves and dragons and parallel universes. I mean, all of those things are fine, but the way they were introduced was bizarre. The dad basically walks around the whole book going “This is CRAZY” and you’d think after you’d slain your 8^th ogre, maybe you’d lose the skepticism. It ends really abruptly, but I think there are more books in the series. I did buy the second one, but never got to reading it. It’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s free, so why not, give it a go.

TheWorld On Blood (Jonathon Nasaw)[reread] – I’ve been compelled to reread this book twice a year since it came out and a friend gave me a copy in the 6^th floor girls bathroom of Brooklyn Technical High School in 1997. This book manages to be completely amazing while somehow not having one shred of literary significance. It’s total trash. It’s absolutely a product of the early 90s. It’s about vampires who are not like Dracula vampires, just dudes & dudettes whose bodies process human blood like a drug (think equal parts booze, ecstasy, and PCP). There are blood orgies like every fourth page. Yes. Amazing.

I also read: The Big Book Of Death [graphic novel], the Big Book Of The Weird, Wild West [graphic novel], the first three books in the Dexter series [skip these, seriously, the show is way better], and probably like five more things that I can’t remember.

A Pirate's Love by Johanna Lindsey

Dear baby Jesus and all the little angels,

Thanks for letting me have been born in 198-you-know-when. I am very grateful that I was not alive pre-20^th century. Because even though things aren’t even close to perfect as regards rape/sexual assault, gender politics/performance, sexism, etc., they are slowly getting better (I am ever the optimist [this is a lie{sorry baby Jesus}]) When you consider that spousal rape wasn’t even considered to be rape before the 19^th century and wives were considered chattel and couldn’t own property in their own name and didn’t even have rights to their own children, shit doesn’t suck nearly as much now as it did in, let’s say, 1667 (where this book/mega-shit-storm-of-epic-proportions takes place). Homigod (sorry again), I don’t really know where to begin.

I know you give everyone in the whole world their ideas, so I figure you need a refresher. Here’s the plot summary (it’s not really a plot so much as a stinking sack of shit):

Bettina Verlaine is being sold into marriage (its 1667, that’s what they did) by her father. Her dad is some snotty French dude with a major attitude problem, but Bettina has been striving her whole life to make him love her (SPOILER ALERT: he’s not really her dad). Anyway, because it’s 1667 and women didn’t really have many choices, especially if you were 1. Rich 2. Super beautiful  (flowing silver-blonde hair, slim hips, breasts like ripe apples but no purple eyes [her eyes are blue or green depending on her emotional state, like a mood ring but with blood vessels]) 3. No, really, SUPER BEAUTIFUL. Bettina’s intended husband lives in the Caribbean so she has to sail from France to go meet him. She leaves her beloved Mama (who had an affair, because unhappy marriage, blah blah, hence her dad/not-her-dad) but takes her beloved nurse with her as a companion. Natch, because of the pretty, all the dudes on the ship want to bone her, one gets whipped for trying, Le Capitaine on another ship sees her from afar, goes MINE!, kidnaps her and lies to her about killing people to get her not to fight him while he rapes her. So! Of course she hates him, right, but he makes her feel all tingly in the nether-bits.  She tries to escape (she’s on a boat in the Atlantic Ocean, not a high probability of success) and cracks him one in the head with an I-forget-what. Some other dude thinks Le Capitaine is dead and decides that Bettina should be whipped until she is dead. But lo! Le Capitaine is not dead, only mildly concussed and uses the threat of whipping to keep Bettina compliant whilst he rapes her (repeatedly). Long story short: rape, rape, rape, reluctant desire, rape, rape, escape, revenge, reunion, Stockholm Syndrome, pregnancy, reluctant love, sword fight, revenge, reunion, marriage, baby, The End. (Whew! That was one alliterative sentence [not actually a sentence]).

Honestly, I’m not certain how I managed to finish this book. I’ve read other books that were not nearly as offensive to me and threw them away without a qualm. Maybe I was hoping that somehow it would not end the way I knew it was going to end (like with a timely miracle perhaps, you’re good at those). But no, it ended exactly the way I was afraid it was going to. And you know, even with all the rape, the worst part was all of the women who weren’t being raped kept telling Bettina that at least Tristan (Le Capitaine) wasn’t, like, really hurting her. He was just using her body. I just about lost my shit every time this was said.

I do have a sort-of sentimental fondness for Old Skool romance novels and will forgive them a lot that I wouldn't forgive in a modern novel, but this book crossed every line I have. And if the truly bad story wasn’t enough, it wasn’t even written well. Poor sentence structure, choppy dialogue, unclear timeline, cardboard characterization, I mean EVERYTHING that could suck, sucked.  

But anyway baby Jesus, I was half-afraid I would be struck blind by the sheer, overwhelming awfulness of this book. So thanks for saving me from that at least. But please find all the Johanna Lindsey books in the whole world and SET THEM ON FIRE (don't really do that, book burning is bad).

You're the best.

Sincerely,

Jae

Buy It . Borrow It . Skip It

A Pirate's Love by Johanna Lindsey

Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins

Lola and the Boy Next Door is a companion novel to Anna and the French Kiss. I got AatFK last year when Amazon promoted it for free on Kindle and loved the hell out of it. But I have a serious weakness for YA lit. So when LatBND came in from the library I just about squealed.

Blurb from author's website because the review is a little long-winded:

Budding designer Lola Nolan doesn't believe in fashion . . . she believes in costume. The more expressive the outfit - more sparkly, more fun, more wild - the better. But even though Lola's style is outrageous, she's a devoted daughter and friend with some big plans for the future. And everything is pretty perfect (right down to her hot rocker boyfriend) until the dreaded Bell twins, Calliope and Cricket, return to the neighborhood.

When Cricket - a gifted inventor - steps out from his twin sister's shadow and back into Lola's life, she must finally reconcile a lifetime of feelings for the boy next door.

Lola's adopted and I love that her family is not a traditional mom-dad-kid family. Her dads aren't written as stereotypical gay men, voguing and shrieking FABULOUS at the top of their lungs (if that's you, that's awesome, but it's not everybody). They have a loving, stable relationship and they are very (very) protective of Lola. They aren't presented as Other but just as a regular family, like it's nothing remarkable (because it shouldn't be treated as if it were). Realistic portrayals of non-traditional family units are important.

I also love that Lola is in  charge of her own sexuality/desire*. She's having sex with her boyfriend and although she doesn't love sex yet, she's confident it will be pretty awesome with practice (because she's researched it, FTW!). It's refreshing to see depictions of teen sex (the sex itself is off-page) that are neither glamorizing nor demonizing nor shaming. Lola is having the sex and her best friend isn't but neither one is judging the other. Also, Cricket is inexperienced and no one judges him about that either. The one thing that I would have liked to see addressed was protection, both for STI's and pregnancy. It is never referred to by anyone in the book and Lola never thinks about it, which I find both weird and a little off-putting (especially considering her family history; if you read the book you'll know what I mean). I think the reader is meant to assume that at least condoms are being used, but in a book for/about teens, it's an important topic to S-P-E-L-L O-U-T. (For what it's worth, I don't like to read adult romances, especially contemporaries, where safe-sex practices aren't at least being discussed by the people sexing it up. It's irresponsible not to include that stuff in the story.)

Despite all of that goodness, I didn't always love Lola (I did seriously lust after her clothes though). She's sometimes selfish and immature but since she's 17 and she does grow up a bit as the book progresses, it's cool. I'd rather a protagonist with some flaws than a Mary Sue. Overall, I think the writing and the story itself and Cricket, because if I were still teen-aged, swoon, were enough to overcome my occasional objections. But if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I may be judging a little harshly because Cricket sounds so great.
As a whole, this book covers a lot of difficult topics that tend to make adults scream "Won't someone think of the children!?!?" like infidelity, teen sex, some drug use, homosexuality, etc., etc., but for the most part I think it does a pretty good job of being honest and forthright without being preachy (unlike this review). And it also doesn't overwhelm with the Very Important Subjects.

Should you read this? Yep, you should. Especially if you like romantic YA. Also read Anna and the French Kiss. 

Buy It . Borrow It . Skip It

Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins

Series: Unnamed trilogy
Previous book in series: Anna and the French Kiss
Next book in series: Isla and the Happily Ever After (forthcoming)
P.O.V.: First person, present; single narrator
Language: Pretty clean with a couple of dingers
Sexxxoring: Off page


*ETA: Regarding sexual agency, the way I framed that makes it sound as though Lola's sexual agency is entirely to do with her having the sex. This is not true. Her friend who is not having the sex is also expressing her own agency; she is not sexing it up because she has shit to do (i.e. college, etc.) and wants to concentrate all of her energy on that. There isn't really a lot a background related to her first experience (the fact that her BF is 22 to her 16/17 is worthy of squick and grossed me out a bit) but the tone of the whole book makes it seem that she is having the sex because she wants to. 

Merry Christmas, all like 3 of you.

I read this (Oct 16-31 2011)

Here's the rest of October, because I know you were waiting with bated breath (no, it isn't baited, that's dumb).


Fantasy/Urban Fantasy

Wolf Moon by Charles de Lint: I am ambivalent about this. That is all I have to say.

Sunshine by Robin McKinley: Buffy-esque, which is a good thing, but the lady-protagonist was kind of annoying? And I didn't understand anyone's motivations. I think it needs a second book, I didn't really like the ending.

Dead on the Delta by Stacey Jay: Not everyone's cup of tea, but I liked it a lot.

Young Adult

Vanish by Sophie Jordan (Firelight, Book 2): I really disliked Firelight and I think I may have disliked this more. And goddamnit, yet another cliffhanger.

Romance

Jinxed by Inez Kelley: More erotica than romance but with more interaction between the characters outside of a bed (or wherever). The dude-pro gets a little creepy sometimes, but it was a fun read over-all. Nothing to write home about but not a regretful waste of time.

Pleasure for Pleasure by Eloisa James (The Essex Sisters, Book 4): My favorite of the series because Josie is sarcastically funny and Mayne sounds super-hot and I enjoy a love-by-surprise plot. The end is a little weak (as in cutesy) but it's still lots of fun.

Prince of Midnight by Laura Kinsale: I love this book. I especially enjoy how the dude-pro is the one who falls easily in love and the lady-pro is the one who is resistant and spends most of the book denying her twue-wuv.

Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas (The Wallflowers, Book 3): I can never decide if I love this one or Scandal in Spring more. If you like Lisa Kleypas, this series is a good one.

Girl From Mars by Julie Cohen: Yes, yes, yes.

Secret Fire by Johanna Lindsey: I'm just going to have to admit that I am probably going to read everything she's ever written. Lindsey's books aren't really good at all but I can't seem to stop myself.

Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase: Mmphh, yes.

The Gunslinger's Untamed Bride by Stacey Kane (Brides, Book 2): Oh westerns, I secretly (not-so-secretly now) love you.

Kissing Comfort by Jo Goodman: I liked this a lot, but I'm not really sure why. The first 1/2 of the book is slow. The latter half is where pretty much all of the romance happens and it wasn't totally convincing but I pretty much spent the whole time sighing wistfully. Also, Comfort's relationship with her uncles was pretty awesome. I'm not going to dissect it.

Delicious by Sherry Thomas: Meh, I really liked Not Quite a Husband, but I thought the writing here was not nearly as good and the characters were kind of boring. Also, food porn is not really my thing. I'll try another by her because I hope this one was just a fluke.

I read this (Oct 1-15, 2011)

Fantasy

The Soul Mirror by Carol Berg (The Collegia Magica, Book 2): Um, a really good book, but it was a job to read. It was too...something. I had the same issue with the first book. If you prefer fantasy that's more cerebral then you'll probably like this.

Contemporary Fiction

Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese: I enjoyed it quite a bit but it was so long that I was practically dancing when it was over.  

Romance

An Offer From a Gentleman and Romancing Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn (The Bridgertons, Books 3 & 4): I love, love, love the Bridgerton series and AOFaG is probably my favorite of the bunch. I love most of Julia Quinn's books and this series is arguably her best work.

Seven Secrets of Seduction by Anne Mallory: Nope, boring. And the writing was mediocre. And way too much page-time was spent on the lady protagonist. And the romantic relationship was not believable. And...I'm sure there was more. But that's quite enough.

Almost Heaven by Judith McNaught: This was probably the fourth time I've read this since I bought it (which was early this year). It's like crack or something. 

Isabella by Loretta Chase (The Trevelyan Family, Book 1): Short and sweet and perfectly romantic. Not racy like her later novels, but it's one of the books I re-read when I'm bored or feeling indecisive about what to read next.

I Love the Earl by Caroline Linden: I remember enjoying it, but that's pretty much it. That's not quite a ringing recommendation, is it?

Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie: I love this book SO MUCH, despite the overabundance of Chicken Marsala. The whole thing is funny and fun and sexy. If it wasn't for the length of the book, it would be another of my in-betweens.

Once a Princess by Johanna Lindsey (Cardinia Royal Family, Book 1): I honestly don't know why I keep reading Lindsey, the only novels of hers I've truly liked were Defy Not the Heart and The Heir. Since my library has all of her books available digitally, I think maybe I'm hoping to find another gem.

Vengeance in Death by J.D. Robb (In Death, Book 6): 27 books to go and I already want to hit myself with a hammer. (Romantic Suspense)

Visions of Heat by Nalini Singh (Psy-Changeling, Book 2): I had the same problem with this that I had with the first book. The writing is technically good and the premise is interesting, but I feel zero interest in the characters. ZERO. I may not bother with the rest of the series (thankfully each book is about different characters, so the compulsion to know everything is not there).  (Paranormal Romance)

Young Adult

So Silver Bright by Lisa Mantchev (Theatre Illuminata, Book 3): I loved Eyes Like Stars (Book 1). I liked Perchance to Dream (Book 2), but it was super weird. So Silver Bright was somewhere in between. A lot of it made no sense to me, but I was happy to be reading it. And the covers are extra-purdy. Made me nostalgic for my angsty-goth teen days (not really).

Fire by Kristin Cashore (The Seven Kingdoms, Book 2): I like this book, but I loved, loved, loved Graceling (Book 1). Fire is more of a prequel/companion novel and was different in tone from Graceling, but it was an interesting read. Definitely read Graceling first. Both books have independent lady-protagonists, a little romance and lots of intrigue. 

Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost

I picked this one up from Amazon when it was on promo and I am mighty glad I didn't pay full price for it. I feel awful enough for having paid $1.99. And the sample chapter did not allude to the awfulness of this book.

Catherine Crawfield is half-vampire/half-human. Her mom was attacked and raped by a fanged menace and after an abridged pregnancy, out popped Cat. Apparently, Cat has been atoning for her existence by hunting and killing vampires. She trolls area bars, snuggles up to vampires (she has a special sense about these things, plus the vampires have really pretty skin,  please excuse me while I vomit in my mouth), taking them for a ride (not like a super-sexy naked ride, although that is what the vamps think they are getting), and then staking them (not a nice way to treat your date). Anyway, on one of her vigilante missions, she tries to mack it to Bones (he is English, super-hot, likes to drink blood). Bones takes up Cat on her offer, kicks her ass, and then recruits her (Bones happens to be a vampire bounty hunter, yes a vampire hunting other vampires for money, some things don't change even if you stop breathing).  The rest of the book is about Cat learning how to fight, posing as bait for vampires, going to college, whining about having to wear extra-revealing clothes, blah blah, not-sexy sex, implausible fight scenes, noble sacrifice, The End.

Alright, so the story itself, not so new/interesting. That's fine, I don't need extra-special-shiny-new thing. But the writing? GODAWFUL. The flow is jerky, the dialogue is stilted and stiff, and the sex is boring, boring, and more boring. Cat is only an okay character; she's not totally offensive and she's not totally sympathetic. I spent a lot of the time annoyed at her but that may be due to the fact that she's 22 and acts like she's 7. Bones sounds kind of hot, but he's not a convincing character despite his semi-tragic history. 

I cannot understand how this series managed to make it to six books and spawn a spin-off series. I know Ms. Frost's writing has improved since this was published but sweet baby Jesus, why did people keep reading after this? I'm going to read the rest of the series because I have book-OCD (and my threshold for pain is clearly far too high) but if I had read this before the rest of the books were issued, I would have been happy to throw this one off of a cliff. Or into a fire. Or off of a cliff and into a fire.

Final Reckoning

Should you read this? GOD no. Save yourself.

Buy It . Borrow It . Skip It

Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost

Series: Night Huntress, Book 1

Next book in series: One Foot in the Grave

P.O.V.: First person, past; single narrator

Language: Salty

Sexxxoring: A few sexy scenes with semi-frank language

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

So apparently, November is read-an-amazing-book month. I had just finished Daughter of Smoke and Bone (I give it a bajillion stars, if you were asking) and I was perfectly astonished to have the next book I read be just as amazing (in an altogether different way).

The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not. Within the black-and-white striped canvas tents is an utterly unique experience full of breathtaking amazements. It is called Le Cirque des Rêves, and it is only open at night.

But behind the scenes, a fierce competition is underway—a duel between two young magicians, Celia and Marco, who have been trained since childhood expressly for this purpose by their mercurial instructors. Unbeknownst to them, this is a game in which only one can be left standing, and the circus is but the stage for a remarkable battle of imagination and will. Despite themselves, however, Celia and Marco tumble headfirst into love—a deep, magical love that makes the lights flicker and the room grow warm whenever they so much as brush hands.

True love or not, the game must play out, and the fates of everyone involved, from the cast of extraordinary circus per­formers to the patrons, hang in the balance, suspended as precariously as the daring acrobats overhead.

I know The Night Circus has been hyped unbelievably but I have to say that I loved, really loved this book. Everything about it appealed to me: the magic, the romance, the whimsy and fantasy, and the utter bizarreness of it. It's definitely not a plot-driven story; I knew how the contest would end (in a general sense, although the specifics were fun) and it's not really character-driven either. It's the prose and imagery that really impel the whole thing. The imagery is seriously incredible (an aside: I am terrible at actually imagining imagery, right? But I felt like I was seeing everything. Or like I was remembering a place I had visited. This is a pretty cool thing for me because it happens so rarely). 

I usually enjoy when a story is told in a nonlinear fashion but here I felt like the timeline jumped around too much? Because even though each event is happening years apart, the way the story flowed just felt linear. Having to keep in mind that this one thing happened four years before this other thing but only two years after this new thing was a little jarring. I kept having to refer to the chronology at the beginning of each chapter and it broke up the experience for me. But really, this was my only complaint. 

Final Reckoning

Should you read this? Yes, go buy it now. This is another book that you should own physically  because it's just really beautiful.

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The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
Series: n/a
P.O.V.: Alternating 2nd person, present/3rd person, present
Language: Mostly clean with a couple of dingers

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor

This isn't a real review. I'm going to post the synopsis, squee a bunch and then faint. I'm not lying about the fainting.

This is a really difficult story to summarize. If you reveal too much, it ruins the suspense and the blurb doesn't really do it justice. But blurb is what you get because I am lazy.

Around the world, black handprints are appearing on doorways, scorched there by winged strangers who have crept through a slit in the sky. 

In a dark and dusty shop, a devil's supply of human teeth grown dangerously low.

And in the tangled lanes of Prague, a young art student is about to be caught up in a brutal otherwordly war. 

Meet Karou. She fills her sketchbooks with monsters that may or may not be real; she's prone to disappearing on mysterious "errands"; she speaks many languages--not all of them human; and her bright blue hair actually grows out of her head that color. Who is she? That is the question that haunts her, and she's about to find out.

When one of the strangers--beautiful, haunted Akiva--fixes his fire-colored eyes on her in an alley in Marrakesh, the result is blood and starlight, secrets unveiled, and a star-crossed love whose roots drink deep of a violent past. But will Karou live to regret learning the truth about herself?

You're thinking "Angels, bah, BORING", right? WRONG. I mean, yeah sure angels, whatever, but not like JESUS angels, more like alien species angels. So, give it a chance, ok? OK?

I've read Laini Taylor's other books and loved them (I am super pissed that Putnam has elected to not continue with the rest of the Dreamdark series; screw you, Putnam). But this book blew them all out of the water. It's romantic, mysterious, magical, melancholy, surprising, insert-complimentary-adjective-here. Every time I thought I had a handle on the story, it went all twisty. And even when I figured out the who, the why and how of it surprised me. Also, the writing itself is beautiful.

Generally, I finish one book and IMMEDIATELY start a new one, but here I had to give myself a short break so I could let the story settle in my brain. I know I'm gushing so I'll allow that I do have a couple of complaints; the third-person narration is mainly focused on Karou and Akiva but occasionally jumps to minor characters. But not consistently, so when it happens, it takes a second or two to adjust (by which point we have switched back to Karou or Akiva). Also, the pacing in the first two-thirds of the book is really spot on but drags a bit in the last third. The big reveal was wonderful and interesting, but I think the flow of the story suffered because it took so forking long.

Final Reckoning

Should you read this? YES, a million times, YES. Buy the hardcover, this is one of those books that needs to be read on paper. I borrowed my copy from the library, but I'm going to buy one this weekend (it's Support A Small Business Saturday!). I may actually buy both the digital and physical versions, just so I can have it with me always. The only other book I've done that with is Daughter of the Forest. You should go read that too.

Buy It . Borrow It. Skip It

It's the first book in a trilogy which I'm assuming will be named "Daughter of Smoke and Bone". I have no real idea, the author's website doesn't actually say much.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
Series: Daughter of Smoke and Bone, Book 1 of 3 (projected)
Next Book: Who knows? It's not mentioned anywhere on the author's site
P.O.V.: Third person, past; omniscient